Jokes

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change. The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse. Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

It was a typical noisy dinner at my parents’s home, and Dad was having trouble following the conversations. He kept jumping in with off-topic comments and asking for things to be repeated. I finally told him he needed to get a hearing aid. Looking at me as if I was crazy, he said, “What would I do with a hand grenade?”

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I had to wake him up. I thought he was dead!"

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Richard, "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes," says Richard, "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I began, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged, "That's okay, because in ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained, "I put my long life down to spending so much time outdoors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years." "How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" they asked. "It's simple," he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made a solemn pledge. We agreed that whenever we had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take a long walk."

While touring an old Roman prison the first tourist says: "Listen to this. It says here that in some old Roman prisons they have unearthed the petrified remains of some of the prisoners." Second tourist: "Gracious, that must be where the name 'hardened criminals' originated."

I'm not a tech junkie but I was a little skeptical when the salesman told me this would be the last GPS I ever needed. I am only 65 and I know technology changes and new and better ones come out every year. I began to feel extremely uncomfortable and thought maybe he was right when I went to visit my wife at the cemetery and the GPS blurted out: "You have reached your final destination."

Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies. A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat. “What are you doing?” asked Fred. Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied “I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I can’t find it.” Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now. “But I’ve got to,” said Sam, “my teeth are in it!”

An elderly man was sitting on his porch rocking back and forth. He seemed to be having a long discussion with himself. Every once in a while he broke into loud laughter. At other times, he shouted “Phooey” in disgust. A policeman passing by stopped to watch the man and asked him what was going on. “I’m telling myself jokes,” the old man told him. “And if I say so myself, most of them are funny.” “Then why do you keep saying ‘phooey’?" the policeman asked. “I only say that when I heard ‘em before.”

Looking for the appropriate book for a couple celebrating fifty years of marriage I went to the antique book store. Asking the owner for a suggestion, he had a recommendation. He recommended a copy of Parkman's "A Half Century of Conflict."

An old man went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health. “You’re in excellent shape for a 75-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger.” “Who asked you to make me younger?” the man replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”

Pat O'Brian lay at death's door and he sent for a lawyer to make his last will. O'Brian's wife remained in the room while the lawyer was there. The lawyer said, "State your affairs briefly." Mr. O'Brian: "Timothy Duggan owes me $5." Mrs. O'Brian: "Good, sensible to the last." Mr. O'Brian: "Patrick Kelly owes me $15." Mrs. O'Brian: "Good, sensible to the last." Mr. O'Brian: "Michael McKay, I owe $100." Mrs. O'Brian: "My soul, listen to him rave out of his mind."

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do. "It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. "My goodness," he exclaimed. "You are quite old to be driving!" "Yes," he replied. "I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him." "He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket. 'You won't be needing this anymore,' he said." "So I thanked him and left."

Two elderly gentlemen in their mid-80s meet in the lobby of their apartment building. Both being hard of hearing, one asked the other in a louder voice, "Are you going to the market?" The other one replies, "No, no. I am going to the market." The first gentleman says, "Oh, I thought you were going to the market."

Two old men are sitting on a bench. A truck passes on the road. It is pulling a trailer loaded with turf. One of the men says, "See, that's what I will do when I win the lottery." "What?" asks the other one confused. "I will send my grass away for cutting!"

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting… He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do…” the man continued, “every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man... ... and his re-seeding heir line.

I recently compared the cost of living in nursing homes vs cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked cruise ship reservations and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day for 10 meals or room service (breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. The cruise ship swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. T.V. broken, light bulb out? Everything plus clean sheets and towels every day. 8. If you fall and break you hip: nursing home/Medicare. Cruise ship/upgrade to a suite forever. Yep, Cruising is for me!

Attending the funeral of a close friend I thought I recognized a lady I had not seen in 25 years. I went up to her and said, "You look like Helen Black..." She replied and walked away, "You don't look so good in brown!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

A deaf old lady went to the doctor to find out whether there was any risk of her getting pregnant again. He told her, “Mrs. Marx, you’re seventy-five. Whilst one can never rule out an act of God, if you were to have a baby it would be a miracle.” When she got home, her husband asked her what the doctor had said. “I didn’t quite catch it all,” she admitted, “but it sounded a bit fishy; something about an act of cod, and if I had a baby it would be a mackerel.”

An elderly couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the Senior Special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my the woman said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay more for NOT taking the eggs?" she asked incredulously. "Yep," stated the waitress. "I'll take the special," she replied. "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," she exclaimed. She took the two eggs home.

Why are harps like elderly parents? They’re both unforgiving and difficult to get in and out of cars.

Now that I am a senior (citizen, that is) I have everything that I ever wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later. - I don't have to go to school or work. - I get an allowance every month. - I have my own pad. - I don't have a curfew. - I have a driver's license and my own car. - I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store. - The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. - And I don't have acne.

One evening a grandmother was babysitting her two granddaughters Anne and Betty. Presently, 8:00 PM rolled around. "Okay, time for bed," she informed the two children who were playing in the den. "Why?" Anne asked (aged 6). "It's so early!" "Your father said your bedtime is 8:00," the grandmother said. "You don't have to listen to him," the Betty (aged 4½) replied. "Why not?" the grandmother asked. Betty answered, "Because you're his mother!"

Three seniors are out for a stroll. One of them remarks, “It’s windy.” Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.” The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”

I was wanting to fly my 82 year old mother, who has never flown to Chicago, for a visit. "No way am I getting on an air plane," was mother's response. I replied, "Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air." Mother said, "I know, I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."