Jokes

One day a man was going home... Thief: "Stop! Give me your wallet! (The man hands him his wallet.) Ha! See how I fooled you! There are no bullets in this gun." Man: "Ha! See how I fooled you! There's no money in that wallet!"

Picked up a hitchhiker the other night and he asked me, "How did you know I was not a serial killer?" I replied, "The chances of two serial killers in the same car are astronomical."

Judge: "Why did you steal from the same shop twice?" Thief: "Because the shop had a board that said, 'Thank you, come again!'"

Judge to the thief: “Since there is no witness to your stealing, I am releasing you. Otherwise you would have got at least 6 months.” Thief: "Your honor, kindly punish me for at least a week in jail. I have to collect money from a few inmates who borrowed money from me last time."

A Judge sentences the same repeat offender to prison for life this time, because of a white collar crime that he was found guilty of by a jury. The man is greeted by the same Corrections Officer that he first met twenty years ago. Guard: "Well, look who's back again! You just can't stay out of trouble, now can you?" Inmate: "You need to be more appreciative and thankful for my return." Guard: "Really now! And why is that?" Inmate: "Because without people like me in this world, you'd be out of a job!"

I was recently out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers, followed by a couple of bottles of red wine and then a few vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was just slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi. On the way home, there was a police roadblock. But since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived safely home without incident. This was a real surprise to me. Why? Well, because I had never driven a taxi before.

Teller at the bank answers the phone: "American National Bank. How may I help you?" Dumb Criminal: "I've got a gun. Fax me all your money immediately, and no one gets hurt."

A guard tells a prisoner, "You will be released from prison at 5 a.m. tomorrow." The prisoner replies, "Can we make it 9 a.m.? I'm not up yet at 5."

A deputy arrested a young man. The young man was verbally complaining to the officer about the injustice of him being arrested. He proclaimed his innocence over and over. The verbal barrage went on for about fifteen minutes as the deputy drove the young man to jail. Finally the young man asked the officer in a loud voice, "So tell me then, what do you do when you catch a real criminal?" The deputy shook his head sadly and responded, "I don't know. All I've ever caught are innocent people."

Did you hear that they moved all the prisoners from Alcatraz island over to the Greek island of Crete? They also changed the name to Con-Crete!

A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys "R" Us store and stealing a board game... He got Life.

The more you weigh, the harder it is to kidnap you. Stay safe. Eat more cake.

(Dumb Criminal) Never pick the pocket of a guy wearing a wedding ring! (Trainee) Why, because he’s a family man and needs the money? (Dumb Criminal) No, because his wife already beat you to it.

An armed robber broke into a house and found a couple sitting at their dining room table. Pointing the gun, he said, "Let me know the names of my victims before I kill them". Wife: My name is Eunice Robber: Oh. My mother's name is Eunice. I can't kill you. (Pointing the guy to the man) And you ? Husband: I'm Joseph, but all my friends call me Eunice.

Once upon a tie there were 3 prisoners about to be executed via firing squad and upon asking the first prisoner if they had anything left to say, he yelled, "Oh my God! Killer Bee swarms!" Everyone panicked and scattered and ran and that prisoner was able to escape. After all the chaos calmed, they brought out the second prisoner. They did the same asking about last words, the prisoner yelled "Tsunami & Tornadoes!" Once again the crowd scattered and prisoner #2 escaped. Now, everyone was reassembled and they brought out prisoner #3. Same practice once again. This time the prisoner yelled "FIRE!"

I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance. “No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”

A police officer stops a young woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over. When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats. When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face. "Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage. He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked him. Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times."

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me? 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop? 6. Bad cop, No donut for you! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I pay your salary. 9. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 10. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum! 11. What do you mean, have I been drinking? And you're a trained specialist? 12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. 13. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you. 14. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 15. I was trying to keep up with traffic. 16. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are. 17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got stuck between the brake and gas pedal,forcing me to speed out of control.

Preparing to go on vacation yet very concerned her apartment would be burglarized while she was gone, Mrs. Smilowitz taped a note to her front door saying, "WE ARE HOME." When she came back from her vacation she found the house was robbed and everything was gone except for the dining room table. On it was a note which read, "Where were you? We looked for you!"

A judge convicted and sentenced a man to serve five consecutive life terms in prison. When the judge asked if there was anything he wanted to help pass the time, the man replied... A Perpetual Calendar!

A man was walking to steal something from a warehouse but the security guard heard footsteps and screamed "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" then he was surprised to hear a voice scream, "Shoot it i hate pop quizzes!"

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief got tangle up and began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all escape from prison. They hear the cops coming so they each climb a tree. The cops come and shine flashlights in the trees. They shine a light on the tree with the brunette and she goes "whoo whoo" like an owl. They shine the light in the redhead's tree, she goes "Tweet Tweet" like a bird. They shine the light on the blonde’s tree... "Moooooo".

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe leaving your car unlocked at a church parking lot on a Sunday! Apparently NOT. Anyway, I got 4 iPhones and 6 Tablets.

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke. The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."