Jokes

Whenever asked, "How are you doing?".... the gentleman, who was born in 1947, responds, "Pretty darn good, considering 72 years ago I couldn't walk."

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

You should always be nice to your children... ...they pick which nursing home you go to when you get really old!

How can you tell you’re getting old? You go to an antiques auction and three people bid on you.

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby.

I don't worry about getting older anymore... I find I still do dumb stuff, only slower.

My dad's last words before he kicked the bucket was... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

As I get older I realized.... I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

Coming in from playing, little Freddy looked confused. His mom asked, "Is something the matter?" "I just was talking with old Mr. Dodd," Freddy replied. "He was searching through his big garbage container and I asked him what he was looking for." "He said, 'Please don't bother me now Freddy, I've thrown out my back!'"

A man arrives at a rest home for his first day. He is greeted at the door by a woman. She says, "You look like my 7th husband." The man replies, "How many times have you been married?" "Six."

We all get heavier as we grow older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So, I am not heavy... I am just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold anymore, so it started filling up the rest of me.

Part of getting old is that your mind thinks that your body can do things that is can’t… Or, is it the other way around… I forget???

An elderly man went to his friend's house to have a little chitchat. Then, he told his friend, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith." His friend then asked, "So what's the name of the other leg?"

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, they had a wonderful evening, both of them throwing admiring glances across the table. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No"? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear he picked up the phone and called her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" She replied, "Why you silly man, I said 'Yes, yes I will!' And I am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tiplight. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there... It was the bathroom, but still.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

You know, when you're getting old, there are certain signs. I walked past a cemetery, and two guys ran after me with shovels!

As men grow older their hair begins to grow deeper into their scalp. If it touches grey matter, it turns grey. If it hits nothing, it falls out.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?" John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I even drool on myself."

John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses." Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!" John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

As men grow older they reach that stage in life where their hair quits growing on their head... And begins to come out of their nose and ears instead.

Not long ago, an elderly, slim and trim lady was admitted to the hospital. After she finished giving a nurse her information, she asked the nurse if she could help her to the bathroom. Above the commode, she noticed a note. It read, 'Toilet weight 300 pounds'. She turned to the nurse and asked, "Why would I want to lift a toilet?"

An old lady went on a cruise. When the ship was underway, she stood on the upper deck and watched the world go by. The day was very windy so she stood with one hand holding down her hat. A young man walked by and excused himself to address her. "Madam, are you aware that your skirt is blowing in the wind and fully exposing you?" "Yes," she replied. "But, your rear end is totally exposed?" he said. "Young man, everything down there is quite old. My hat, on the other hand, I bought yesterday."

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

An older couple were making their funeral arrangements. The cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You will have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them. The husband didn't buy it, he replied, "Unless you will be including a periscope with my casket, I do not think I will enjoy it."

I asked my doctor why it scratched the skin on the back of my hand when the dog pawed it. He told me when you get older your skin gets thinner. Happy to know this... it explains a lot about my disposition too.

I've reached that point in my life where my train of thought usually leaves the station without me.