Jokes

Jake: If you were in a line at a ticket window, and the man in front of you was going to Chicago and the money lady behind you was going to Atlanta, where would you be going? Fran: I don’t know. Jake: If you don’t know where you are going, why are you in line?

Aviator: First one wing came off and then the other. Listener: What did you do? Aviator: I grabbed a drumstick and had a second helping.

My flight is getting ready to be pushed back from the gate when I get tapped on the shoulder from a lady sitting behind me. "We are so blessed today, we have a Latter Day Saint's Missionary on Board," she says, "and no plane has ever crashed with an LDS Missionary on board." I turn to her and say," Ma'am, we're doubly blessed today because no flight has ever crashed with me on board either!"

At the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I KNOW what I'm requesting!"

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Bexfield."

On a recent flight to Chicago it seemed that all the departure times were coming and going. I inquired to the ticket agent, "What good are the departure times?" "Well," began the genial agent, "if it weren't for those posted departure times we'd have no way of finding out how late we depart."

It was the man’s first trip by airplane. He was frightened and nervous. As the engines began to roar, he gripped the arms of his seat, closed his eyes, and counted to one hundred. When he opened his eyes he looked out of the windows. “See those tiny people down there,” he said to the woman sitting next to him, “don’t they look like ants?” “They are ants,” the woman said. “We haven’t left the ground yet.”

A pedantic bore forced a conversation with a fellow passenger on a coast to coast flight, and made a great parade of his knowledge. The passenger listened as long as he could. Looking at him gravely, he said, "My friend, you and I know all that there is to know." "How is that?" asked the bore, pleased with what he thought was a complimentary association. "Well," began the traveler, "you know everything there is to know except that you are a bore, and I know that."

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

On a plane, a passenger noticed that the very elderly lady across the aisle was not wearing her shoes. "Where are your shoes?" she inquired of the woman. The lady replied, "A nice young lady told me I had to take them off for some kind of inspection. I waited but she never told me I could put them back on."

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down. Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?" The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let’s go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I’m a photographer for cable news," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is… you’re NOT my flight instructor?"

On a recent flight from New York to Seattle an elderly lady stands up and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her, "I am. What is the problem?" She replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

After returning from a trip overseas, my luggage did not show up in the airport baggage area. Being a frequent flyer I knew the drill and went to the lost luggage office. I told the woman there that my bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and that I was in good hands. "Now," she asked, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Tower: Cessna 2737 you are three miles from final, turn left 270 and expect the RNAV to Runway 27. Pilot: Aye Aye, Captain! Tower: Cessna 2737... read back and repeat all the instructions correctly. Pilot: 10-4! [Nearly 30 seconds later...] Tower: Uhh..., Cessna 2737 please repeat back all instructions immediately!! Pilot: Okay, I am so sorry about that, my co-pilot was at the controls and radio. Turning left to 270, and expecting the RNAV for runway 27 for Cessna 2737. Tower: Readback is correct, and by the way, your co-pilot could use some training! Pilot: Yeah, I concur with you. The only problem is that you can only teach a parrot so much!!

Pilot: Pensacola Tower, Cessna 3798G is unfamiliar with the area, requests directions to the airport. Tower: Cessna 3798G, Turn right to a heading of 360 for about 8 minutes, then left 270 for another 3 minutes, then to a heading of 170 and the airport will be 12 o’clock in 5 minutes, cleared to land runway 17. Pilot: Pensacola Tower, Isn’t that the airport at 12 o’clock? Tower: Yes! You can actually continue your current course and land on runway 26, airport is 12 o’clock, 8 miles!! Pilot: Then why did you have me going the long way around the airport? Tower: Because you asked for directions, not the quickest route.

Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle. Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it. "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: "...underwater."

At a packed airport ticket counter all ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long. He finally decided to march right up to the counter, pulling his wheeled suitcase, and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line." Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!" The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who knows him please help us." The man quietly returned to the back of the line.

My girlfriend just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said, "As you wish," and booked it for her. She's going tomorrow... I'm leaving in three weeks and flying there!

My friend asked me to help him with his crossword puzzle as he was struggling with 4 across. "What's the clue?" I asked. "Overworked postman," he said. "How many letters?" "Thousands!"

Rebecca said to her husband, “Do you know the neighbor’s daughter scored a 99 on her math exam?” Her husband Tom, sipping his tea, remarked, “Really? What happened to the remaining 1 point?” Rebecca replied sarcastically, “Your son scored it.”

Have you ever wondered... Why they don't make an airplane out of the same stuff they make the indestructible black box?

Jose was chatting with his friend Pablo. He said to Pablo, “My wife is a BIG spendthrift. She keeps asking me for more and more money every week.” Pablo asked, “But what does she spend all that money on?” Jose replied, “Who knows, I never give her any money.”

Working as a secretary in an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day, security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there and don't you come out until you're told!" The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released the very frightened telephone repairman.

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter, yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him." The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour... Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams!