Jokes

Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job... For if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!” A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office! Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players. Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal! Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?

“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?” “It’s May...” “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations she or he keeps cranking out. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

-- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. -- The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get. -- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. -- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. -- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. -- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. -- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. -- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me. "Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is looking down in the dumps. "What's wrong now Bob," asked Bill. Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for." "Yeah, so what's the problem with that," asks Bill. Bob sighs, "Well, it seems I'm best suited for unemployment."

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked. "No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA." Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say its OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck..."

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" "That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Interviewer: "What would you consider one of your strengths?" Me: "I perform under pressure..." Interviewer: "Can you get give me an example?" Me: (deep breath) "Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE, pushing down on me..."

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, I could use a week off!"

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!" "Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!" When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."

My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job. I asked him how much he enjoyed it. "It's Sew-Sew."

Voice mail is my sworn enemy! I have never understood how it works. Finally, I broke down and called the office operator to walk me through it. “I can send you an instruction sheet,” she said. “Great, fax it over.” “Sure,” she said. “But fax it right back. It’s my only copy.”

Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.” A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”

Customer: “Can I please get your name and position with the company?” Employee: “This is Ryan, and I am sitting down.”

A friend had a waitressing position open at his diner and asked job seekers to fill out an application. Under “Salary Expected”, a woman wrote, “Friday”.

Having looked the other way for weeks, the boss finally called Smith into his office for a sit-down. “You know, Smith,” he said, “I’ve noticed that every time you have to take your dear old aunt to her doctor’s appointments, there’s a home game over at the stadium.” “Wow, sir. I guess you’re right,” Smith answered. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t think she’s faking it, do you?”

In the HR department in the large corporation where I work, I receive absentee slips for all the employees. Over the years I’ve heard every excuse, but the other day I found one in my voicemail that I never heard before. “I won’t be in today,” said my absent coworker. “I’ll call back later with an excuse.”

“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day of his first job. “I get two weeks paid vacation.” “I’m so glad,” said my mother. “Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.

My secretary liked to yammer on the phone with friends. One day I was about to interrupt her chat to tell her to get back to work, when she looked up at the clock and put an end to the conversation. “Sorry, I have to hang up now,” she said. “It’s time for my break.”

My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her résumé. He didn’t get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem. “Is it too generic?” she asked. “I doubt it,” said her father. “Especially since it’s addressed ‘Dear Sir or Madman.’”

- You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year. - You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. - You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. - You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. - People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. - No longer content with merely photocopying your rear, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. - You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs. - The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.