Jokes

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

Interviewer: "Why did you leave your last job?" Candidate: "There was a relocation." Interviewer: "You moved?" Candidate: "No, my company did. They just didn’t tell me where to."

Applications for a job at the company where I worked are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: ”Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.”

When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter always asks the applicants what sort of supervision they’d be most comfortable with. One genius answered, “I’ve always thought Superman’s X-ray vision would be cool.”

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took x-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment. "He fell out of a tree," I reported. The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service." Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'Expert.'"

My boss didn't come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

I recently ask a not so bright applicant to fax me her resume... She replied that she could not as she only had one copy.

The warehouse foreman walked up on a worker and caught him napping. "Hey!" the foreman shouted. "Why aren't you working?" "Because I didn't see you coming."

"I get the feeling I'm going to get my old boss back again." "I thought your old boss died?" "He did die... and the company's going to the same place that he did!"

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company over 30 years, he retired. Several years later the company contacted him with a problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following account: Chalk: $1.00 Knowing where to put the 'X': $49,999.00

Do you know why King Arthur hired a jeweler for sentry duty? Because he wanted a knight watchman!

A quote from an interview with the Operations Manager of a growing company. The journalist asks, "So how many employees are working in your company?" The manager replies, "Approximately half of them..."

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver... It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

I walked out of my job at the Helium factory last week... I didn't like the way they spoke to me.

Here’s some advice... At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent! Unless the job is a statistician!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!" Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!

I got into an argument with this thug in a pub. I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, “I know where you live!” I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn’t true.

A guy told his friends, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." Turns out his boss just got sick and tired of him.

"One of the worst jobs I ever had was when I used to be a narrator." "Well, that doesn't sound so bad?" "I was a narrator for bad mimes."

A woman working in a laboratory is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk." By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: Take cells to Disneyland... Cells on vacation... Cells back... On Yom Kippur, someone added, "Jewish cells get the day off."

A truck loaded with a thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the Interstate yesterday, shedding it's load across the highway. You should've seen it, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed!

After months of searching, Pat found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training. One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked his boss if he might attend. “For sure,” his boss said. “I was already planning on sending you." "You were?" "Oh yes, who do you think is going to be teaching it?”

How do you fire woodworkers? Tell them they’re finished. How do you fire watch repair people? Tell them their time is up. How do you fire teachers? Tell them they’re dismissed. How do you fire authors? Tell them it’s The End. How do you fire lumberjacks? Give them the ax. How do you fire garbage collectors? Tell them they’re canned. How do you fire gift-wrappers? Tell them the job is all wrapped up.

Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day. It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn't have worried. When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading: "To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling. The second number is 16 less than that. To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade. "What are you doing these days?" "PhD." "Wow! You're a doctor!" "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

Do the people at the Arizona Iced Tea Company take coffee breaks?

What do you call a funny janitor? A comodian!

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done... Doing the job WRONG fourteen times, gives you job security.

A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man. "Too much trouble," he responded.