Jokes

Why couldn't the pony sing himself a lullaby? He was a little hoarse

Paddy and Murphy are wandering in the desert fortunately they have plenty of water but no food. Murphy finally gives up sitting down on the ground and he tells Paddy to go on without him. Paddy protests but gets nowhere so he walks on without his friend only to return screaming Murphy, Murphy come quickly you wont believe your eyes and tells Murphy of a fantastical tree he has just found with a bacon butty on every branch. Murphy picks himself up and protesting all the way as he makes his way to the top of the ridge only to look down into a bowl shaped valley, at one solitary tree with a sandwich on every branch. The two friends run to the tree and pick a sandwich off the tree and take a bite only for a hundred screaming ancient warriors to appear intent on taking there lives. Murphy says “Paddy this was no bacon butty tree this was a ham bush”

Do you know why a roach clip is called a roach clip? Because "pot holder" was already taken.

***Punny News Headlines***Metal fans keep cool at concert...Limbo dancers reach new low....Lawyer loses his case- Finds it in Car....Cellmates complete each other sentences...Global explorer finds himself....Missing link found online....

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands me- not even Siri. I dictated a text, on my phone, to my daughter. I said "Mom and I have been praying for you lately." But when I checked it, I found that it read, "Mom and I have been praying for you lightly." Yeah we didn't want to overdo it or anything.

You want to hear a word I just made up ? Plagiarism....

I tripped on my wife's bra in the bedroom, turns out it was a booby trap.

Sign in the widow of a Photography Studio: We can Shoot Your Wife and Frame Your Mother-In-Law, If you want. We can Hang Them Too.

Question: Do you know why famous entertainment stars do not worry about summer heat? Answer: because they have fans everywhere.

Why did the belt get locked up? He held up a pair of pants!

A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him. He’s the new temp!

Interviewer: Your asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience. Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don't know what I'm doing.

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here. Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow. Boss - What time will you get here? Me - Monday.

Upon receiving her manuscript with a rejection letter back from a major publishing company, the author sent a letter to the editor. "Sir," she began, "you sent back a story of mine. I know that you did not read the story, for as a test I pasted together pages 18,19,20 and 21. My story came back with these pages still stuck together. I know you are a fraud and turned down the manuscript without reading them." The editor replied: "Madam, at breakfast when I open an egg I don't have to eat the whole egg to discover it is bad."

At a first date: He: “I work with animals every day.” She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?” He: “I’m a butcher."

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over. All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment" she had listed 'Babysitting'. But then she read under "Reason for Leaving" and her daughter had answered, 'Parents came home'.

The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?" "Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."

The captain of the ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Wayne, sir." "What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom there?" "Yes," said Tom. "What are you doing?" "Helping Wayne, sir."

Two new work crews were putting in telephone poles. At the end of the day the foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had done. "Twelve," was the reply. Then he asked the second crew and they said, "two." "Two?" shouted the foreman. "The others did twelve!" "Yeah," answered the leader of the second crew, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground."

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "You know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work? Well, my foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure , why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said, "but last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, but that was during office hours."

Interviewer: "How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?" Me: "That’s when I went to Yale..." Interviewer: "That’s impressive. You are hired." Me: "Thanks. I really need this yob."

Job Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "I would say my biggest weakness is listening."

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?" "Well ... as a matter of fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been married and divorced three times."

A couple is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes their lost. They spot a man down below and shout, “Excuse me, can you tell me where we are?” The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Everything you have told me is technically correct, and yet it’s of no use to anyone.” The man below says, “You must work in management.” “We do. How did you know?” “Well, you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help, and you’re in the same position as you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce. “Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.” He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”