Jokes

The quarrel had reached a new height when the wife said to her spouse, "I wish I'd taken my mother's advice and never married you." Hubby swung around, "Do you mean to tell me that your mother tried to stop you from marrying me?" Wife nodded in the affirmative. "Good heavens," cried the husband, his voice filled with remorse. "How I've wronged that woman."

Little Johnny's mother was in the hospital, and he was visiting to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was occupied by a woman with a broken leg. "Hello," he said. "How long you been here?" "Oh, about two weeks." "May I see your baby," he then ask. "Why I haven't got a baby," the woman replied. "Gee, you are slow. My mama's been here just two days and she's got one."

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun. I said to keep warm. She asked, "How warm is it inside?" I said, "Lukewarm."

You have $400 and your daughter calls and needs $250. Later on you son calls and needs $100. What do you have left? $400 and 2 missed calls!

One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her nine-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground structure and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M. she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel."

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.”

Rita: Did your family move a lot when you were younger? Greta: They did. But I always found them!

On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., a family took a side trip to Arlington, Virginia. While there, the patriotic father pointed out a well-known building to his son. "Son, you see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."

I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widow. One day my daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, "I think it's time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried." "It's way too soon to even think of anything like that," she snapped indignantly. Then there was a brief silence. "Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?" When I repeated buried, she said, "Oh, okay, sure."

Son: Dad do you believe in ghost? Dad: No. Son: Our maid said ghost exist. Dad: We don't have maid. Mom: Meet me out in the car right now. Dad: Why? Mom: We don't have son. Dad: Wait.... I am not married..!!

Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question..."

Mom 1: What’s the worst car smell ever? Mom 2: What? Mom 1: Teenage boy wearing too much body spray eating fast food. Mom 2: At least he had his shoes on!

Daughter: "My father always said he didn't like women that drove from the back seat." Donna: "What did your mother say to that?" Daughter: "She said that back seat drivers were no worse than men who cook from the dinning room table."

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?" After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity. "Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve." Then the man in front of me piped up.... "You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver's manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to study her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her drivers permit. "Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book." "You do?" I returned. "Yep," she said, very smugly. I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?" "One," she replied. "What?" I asked. "One?!" She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

My friend that has come into money is telling me that he is having his family tree researched. "Yes, and it is quite expensive, it cost $5,000." "Wow", I replied, "that is expensive!" "Yes, but it only cost $2,000 to have it looked up. It cost another $3,000 to have it hushed up."

I decided to do the DNA test to discover who I really am... They sent me the results and the conclusion reached... They sent me a package of seeds and suggested I start over again!

Different views on doing laundry... Son away at college: If it's clean it goes on the floor. If it's dirty it goes on the floor over there. Husband while wife is away: If I just take things out of the hamper as I need them, I do not have anything to fold. Wife: With the amount of laundry I do, there must be more people living in this house!

Man: I just got back from a real pleasure trip. Friend: Where did you go? Man: I took my mother-in-law to the airport!

Financially I'm set for life... Provided I don't live past next Wednesday!

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OH! Styling gel, Mousse, Something...?" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, You still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

My kids were fighting over their toys. I warned them if they kept it up I would take the toys away. They didn’t stop so I took them away to teach them a lesson. Afterwards, they were still fighting. I said, “That’s it!” and gave them their toys back. Lesson learned.

The wife was angry. The man then said," Ask me any question and I'll answer honestly." The wife asked," What were you doing last night?" The man answered, "Honestly?" Legend says the man is now single.

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, he owed her $9.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom, keep up the good work!"

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "I don't want to hear you call 'Mother' one more time!" she warned him sternly. After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart. When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl “Love” inspired in the same spirit as Carol’s unique name. Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Carol’s wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. “What happened?!” she asked, running to him. He waved her closer, and whispered, “Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name!”

A man went to buy his wife a new bra but had no idea what size she needed. Sales lady tried to help him. She asked, "Is your wife shaped like a grapefruit?" "No, not a grapefruit." "Is she shaped like an orange?" "Um no, not an orange." "Is she shaped like an egg?" Man's face lights up, "Yes, that's it! Like a fried egg!"