Jokes

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.” Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!” Detector: “Beep.”

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh I remember!"

Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?” Dad: (hands son a phone) “Okay, now just call someone.” Son: “Why can’t you do it?” Dad: “Because that would be a DADdial.”

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you will always come downstairs like that." "OK," said Teddy cheerily. "I slid down the railing!"

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation. "It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on." "And you?" "I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.

It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids. "Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully. "I am," said one. "No, I am," said another. "No," the father said. "Their mother is!"

My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules. Otherwise, she will get a cheaper phone because... It’s my way or the Huawei...

On day when returning home from work my wife proceeded to tell me that she had been called into the principal's office because of the things OUR SON had done at school that day. We agreed that he should be disciplined the same was I was disciplined when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player. So what is a parent to do in this day and age? We sent him to MY room!

When a trick went wrong, an amateur magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two children into armchairs. He tried everything he knew to reverse the trick but when all attempts failed, he took them to a hospital. He paced up and down in casualty for hours until finally a junior doctor came out to see him. “My wife is a couch and my two children are armchairs,” said the magician. “I need to know how they’re doing.” The doctor glanced at his notes and said, “They’re comfortable.”

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?" "To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant." "Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?" "Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

I was making Play-doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging. "It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it." Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him. "What happened to this one?" I asked. Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

Two brothers were fast asleep in their room when the eldest heard a thud sound. Eldest: What's that sound? Youngest: Oh, it's just my t-shirt falling off my bed. Eldest: T-shirt? Why was it so loud? Youngest: Because I was still in it.

When he saw how astronomically high his latest phone bill was, the head of house called a family meeting. “This is unacceptable,” said the father. ”You have to limit the use of the phone. I never use this phone. I always use the one in the office.” The mother said, ”Same here. I hardly use the home phone, because I use my work phone.” The son said, ”Me, too. I never use the home phone. I always use the company's mobile." ”So what is the problem?” asked the maid. ”We all use our work telephones.”

Two eskimos were chatting. One said, “Where did your mother come from?” “Alaska.” “Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!”

My youngest son asked me how old I was. I answered, "39 and holding." He thought for a moment and then asked, "But how old would you be if you let go?"

"Oh, I'm so happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mom will do the trick she has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... ... in another city!

"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh God, you have my husband."

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years. "This is Beth," I said, introducing my kid. "And what's Beth short for?" he asked. "Because she's only three," I answered.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?" Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass. Her husband replied calmly, "Yes, yes it is."

Child: "Mom, may I have a bicycle for my birthday?" Mom: "Will it make you behave any better if I do?" Child: "No, but I’ll behave over a wider area."

My wife said she'd like to have another baby... I agreed. The one we have is starting to annoy me.

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn't use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room. Weeks later I asked how it was going. "I was right," he said. "I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine."

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying. Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!"

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

"Dad," I said to my father on Father's Day, "it's Father's Day today! As a gift, I want to take you and mom out for a great day!" "Thank you, my son," said my father, taking a deep draw from his cigarette. "If you really want to get me a gift, just take your mom out for the whole day."

As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!" My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!" I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"