Jokes

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

Him: "My mother told me that every time you have an impure thought, an angel smacks you on top of the head." Her: "That would explain why so many men go bald!"

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says. His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation." "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time. "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

"Dad, I am hungry." "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad." "Dad, I'm serious." "I thought you were Hungry?" "Are you kidding me?" "Nope, I'm Dad."

Young Maiden: "Yes, I've been asked many times to get married." Friend: "Really, who's asked you?" Young Maiden: "My mother and father."

Neighbor: You say your son is only four, and he can spell his name backwards as well as forwards? What is his name? Proud Father: Otto.

Suzie: Mom, I’m doing Geography homework. Where are the Andes? Mother (not listening closely): How should I know? If you’d put your things away where they belong, you’d be able to find them when you need them.

Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte. Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope? Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said. "Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

Sally was telling her sister Jane about their sister in law, Candice, was recovering in the hospital following a car accident. Sally said, "Candice told me that someone up there really loves her." Jane, scoffing, replied, "No one could even like Candice. It's more like someone up there didn't want her."

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Told my daughter at 20 to get a job or sleep in the garage... 20 years later she has done wonders with the garage!

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?" "That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?" A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: No problem Quarantine.

The son has finally saved enough money to buy his own house. It is just a few houses down the road from where his parents still live. On the day he moves in he invites some friends over, turns On the music and drinking a few beers. As the son was making his toast and said, "I don't have to listen to my parents anymore", the phone rings. He goes inside to answer and is silent when he rejoins the party. "Who was that?" ask one of the guests. "Well," replied the son. "It was my father telling me to turn down the music as there are people in the neighborhood that are trying to sleep."

Herman: Mother, can I change my name? Mother: Why do you want to change your name? Herman: Because Dad says that he’s going to spank me as sure as my name is Herman.

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. "What's wrong Molly?" she asked. Molly told her that she had morning sickness. Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!" "I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."

When a man steals your wife... There is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her. I asked her, "Does it tell the time?" My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared. “Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked. “No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”

A man finished baby-proofing his house and his wife says, "Aw, honey, I thought you said you didn't want to have kids?" He responds, "I don't. Let's see them get in now."

A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door. He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?" He blurts out, "Yes!" She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"

During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother’s hair as auburn. Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, “How do you know her hair color is auburn?” Her student replied, “Because that’s what it says on the box.”

My neighbor’s wife came running up to me in the driveway the other day just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I started jumping up and down along with her. She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me what you’re so happy about.” She stopped jumping just long enough to tell me that she was pregnant. I was happy for her. I know they have been trying for a long time. I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!” Then she said “Oh, there’s more!” I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?” She said, “Well, we’re not having just ONE baby. We’re going to have TWINS!” Amazed that she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked how she knew this. She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the Twin-Pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!”

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey." "Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

After a long day of shopping, my daughter and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my daughter there waiting for me. "Honey," I said, "what are you doing in here? I left the motor running." "It's all right, Mom," she replied reassuringly. "I locked the doors."

“Mom, dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation. “I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!” “Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!” gushed her mom giving, her a big hug. “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!” “Tell us more about him” said her dad, “does he have any money?” “Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?" "We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him. "Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted. "Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped. "Okay," he said. "I'm riding with mom.

Following an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother, eight noisy and shoving siblings, and I arrived at Rheine-Main Air Base in Germany. "Do you have any weapons or illegal drugs in your possession?" the customs agent asked my weary mother. "Sir," she said while separating my brother and me, "if I had either of those items, I would have used them by now."