Jokes

I’m not sure what I find more disturbing. My mum being so adamant that my sister’s a lesbian. Or my dad winking while he says, “She’s not, son… …Trust me!”

A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night. “Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.” “Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?” "I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.” “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.” “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?” ”Who said he wanted to?”

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school. Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?" "Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

Little Jonny thought he was the only one who kept secrets, so he asked his teacher. She said that everyone, even adults had secrets. So Little Jonny went up to his mom and told her he knew here secret, she gave him 20$ and told him not to tell his father. So then Little Jonny went up to his dad, and told him he knew his secret, his dad paid him 50$ and told him not to tell his mother. Little Jonny loving this, he's making tons of money, then he goes outside. The first person he sees is the mailman, Little Jonny says I know your secret. Then the mailman says really!? Come here son!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher. I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.

Girl: Dad what is better, to pass or to fail? Dad: To pass obviously. Girl: Your gonna be so proud of me. I passed my pregnancy test!! Dad: GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!!!

Dad:(hits son with the door) Dad:(laghing) you just got adored

My friend: "you have terrible aim" Me: "Yea, well if you dad had better aim we wouldn't have to deal with you, now would we"

Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!” Father: That’s great son. Who is she? Son: It’s Sandra, d neighbour’s daughter. Father: Ohhh I wish u hadn’t said that. I have to tell u something son, but u must promise?not?to tell ur mother. Sandra is actually ur sister. The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later … Son: Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter! Father: That’s great son. Who is she? Son: It’s Angela, d other neighbour’s daughter. Father: Ohhhh I wish u hadn’t said that. Angela is also ur sister. This went on couple of times n d son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father! The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, u can date whoever u want. He isn’t your father =))

“I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!” “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

Ok, first date, don't screw this up. Girl: So where are you from? Me: My dad's nuts; ever been there? DAMN IT!

Son: Dad, whats it like to have a handsome son??? Dad: i dont know, ask your grandpa.(the dads dad)

A father tells his son to stop jacking off. "You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says. The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."

1. What does a typical politician and a dress manufacturer have in common? One skirts the issues, the other issues skirts. 2. What does a torpedo and a kitchen appliance supplier have in common? One sinks ships, the other ships sinks. 3. What does a phone app and a U-Haul have in common? One is downloaded, the other is loaded down. 4. What does a balcony and a drunk have in common? One has an overhang, the other has a hangover. 5. What does a clown hiding in a cake and a son who discovers his dad's secret have in common? One pops out, the other outs pop.

A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets. ''What the hell is going on?'' he says. ''I'm having a heart attack!!'' So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked'' So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet. The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids? You shoud be ashamed of yourself!"

This dudes walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him. "Aye you!" he shouts ."I've shagged your mom!!" The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings. Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse. "Aye you!" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mom up the ass!" The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with his friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again. "Aye you, your mom sucked my dick!!" By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and retorts, "For god sake Dad go home, you're embarassing me!"

Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman. Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says; “She is really big and fat isn’t she daddy?” The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down. In a few minutes the little boy yells out; “She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!” The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son; “We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don’t do it again.” The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman’s beeper went off. He then yelled: “Look out daddy, she is backing up!”

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting… on a Saturday morning… after breakfast… Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile. All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patiently listening to them Maid (unbaffled): So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !

Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there’s one." "No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s big enough." "No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad, let’s eat her." "No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we’re going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

A little girl walks up to her mum and pulls down her pants. Little Girl:Mummy what's this? Mum:That's your garage. A little boy walks up to his dad and says. Little Boy:Dad what's this? Dad:This is your car, you'll have to put this in a girls garage someday. The little girl comes home one day and the mum asks. Mum:What Happened?! Little Girl: A boy tried to put his car in my garage so I ripped his wheels off.

I was about 14, my dad caught me drinking. I said 'Dad, that's the first time.' He said, 'That's a lie -- no one ever gets caught the first time.' So that day, I robbed a bank.

An Office Manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified - an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know?” Dave, the American, replied, “A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” he asked Vladimir, the Russian. “Hmm…. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.” He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light” he said. Turning to Patel, the Guy from India, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) “Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et’s obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats… “Oh, I can expleyn sir,” said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !”

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie. Dad: Son, where were you at school hours? Son: At school. The robot slaps the son. Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again. Son: Okay I was watching violent movies! Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad. Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

My mom's American Indian; my dad's from Ireland. There's a drinking problem waiting to happen.

If someone is being mean to you you need to say to them did you know when you were born your mom said oh what a treasure and your dad said yea lets berry it

I met this girl on the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, “Where the fcuk did you get her from, son?! She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!” I replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Dad. She’s deaf as well.”

Jerk: Go f*ck yourself! Me: *Looks apoplectic* Sorry but I don't have time. I've got a busy schedule, I'm meeting your mom at 12 and your sister in *checks watch* five minutes! Sorry, gotta go buy some extra condoms before I meet her, don't want to have another accident like your mom did with your dad! *Walks off* Jerk:...

Dad ,"how are you doing today?" Me,"fine fa... I mean pop." Dad,"I'm dad." Me,"okay mad dad!" Dad,"IT'S DAD!!!" Me,"POOP!!!" Both",stop yelling!"