Jokes

Some people have a hard time understanding how Noah could fit all those animals inside the ark... But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power tool.

Who were the famous triplets of the New Testament? First, Second, and Third John.

A Pastor said to a six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet. "What are you doing?" he asked her. She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

Father Pedro was called to a house to attempt to expel an evil spirit from an elderly woman. He brought an assistant pastor to help with the procedure. The woman's daughter answered the door and motioned to where her mother was sitting. The Father walked over to the woman, waved a cross, and shouted, "Out, demon!" He then tore off his robe, revealing running shoes and jogging shorts. Then, he rushed out the door and ran a quick mile around the block. Returning to the house and donning his robe, he went over to the woman and shouted, "Out, you filthy devil!" And again, after removing his priest's outfit, he was out the door to run another mile. The old woman's daughter was confused about the priest's behavior and asked the assistant pastor, "What in the world is going on here?" To which the pastor answered, "Oh, that's just the way Father Pedro exorcises!"

​A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.” "That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could." "Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point." "One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home." "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says. "TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.” “Selma who?” asks the angel. “My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once." “Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”

A not-so-bright girl is flying in a plane when her pilot keels over. She calls out: "Mayday! Mayday! My pilot is dead!" Air traffic control responds, "Don't worry, I'll talk you through this. What's your height and position?" "I'm five-four and I'm in the plane," she says. "Repeat after me," says the voice. "Our Father, who art in heaven...."

It seems that the older we are the more we read the Bible... Are we cramming for finals?

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

A young yet accomplished historical theologian and author went to the Vatican holding written permission to view certain archives. He asked the priest who had greeted him if he could see the archives pertaining to stigmata. The priest replied only the man upstairs knows how to help you with that subject. The rather perplexed young man then asked, "Are you trying to say I need to speak directly with the almighty Father Himself? With a slight smile on his face the priest replied, "Not at all my son. I was talking about Brother Thomas who overseas the archives on the second floor."

After a very passionate sermon the preacher was standing at the door to greet the departing congregation when one very upset lady said, "Pastor, I am very disappointed in your sermon...you said the word 'damn'." "Oh," said the Pastor. "I am sorry if I offended you. What did I say just before that word?" "I don't remember," she said. "Well, what did I say after that word?" "I don't remember," she said. "I guess it was good that I used that word or you would not have heard ONE WORD I said."

A Sunday school teacher wanted to stimulate her first grade class as the lesson started by asking them, "Do you want to go to heaven today?" All but one of the ten children raised their hands enthusiastically. Everyone but Susie. "Susie, don't you want to go to heaven?" she asked. "Yes, I do." Susie replied "Well, why did you not raise your hand when I asked if you want to go to heaven?" "I really want to go to heaven, but not with these guys," she replied.

Mary, Anna, and Tess died and went to heaven. God warned them, "Do whatever you want, but don't step on the pink clouds." One day, Mary decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was an ugly man next to her. Anna and Tess asked, "Where'd you get that ugly man?" "I stepped on a pink cloud." The next day, Anna decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was an ugly man next to her. Mary and Tess asked, "Where'd you get that ugly man?" "I stepped on a pink cloud." The next day Tess decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was a cute man standing next to her. Mary and Anna asked, "Where'd you get that cute man?" The man said, "I stepped on a pink cloud."

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion." When that angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's absolutely true. The Earth is in a ravaging decline! 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to send an email to the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the E-mail said? Just wondering.......I didn't get one either!

What do you call a bird of prey perched on a priest's pulpit? An altar eagle.

What do you call a GMO human male child? An alter boy.

A politician died and went to the pearly gates. He peered over the angel's shoulder and saw several clocks. He asked the angel what the clocks represented. The angels told him the hands of the clock only move when someone is lying. The man saw George Washington's clock on the wall and asked the angel about George's clock. “The hands only moved once. That was the time he lied to his father about the cherry tree.” Then the man saw the clock that belonged to Abe Lincoln and asked about the hands on his clock. “The hands did not move because he was known as 'Honest Abe.'” “Where is my clock?” “Oh, it's in God's office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."

An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork. He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner. The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig. As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in! They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him. Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat. Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter. He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig. "This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"

Song of Solomon is one book of the bible dedicated solely to romantic love... Isn't it it ironic that its initials are SOS?

While sitting through an exceptionally long sermon, little Donny was getting more restless by the minute. Suddenly in a loud whisper, he blurted out, "If we give him the money now, do you think he will let us leave?"

My son is such an introvert, he can't even lead the silent prayer.

Did you know that in the Bible, baseball is the very first thing mentioned? "In the big inning..."

A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 word were "too cold". The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food". The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit". "Good," they said, "all you have done is complain."

"Did you know Job spoke when he was a very small baby?" "Where does it say that?" "It says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"

The Parish father passed away. He left two hundred dollars to each nun in his will. The nuns were each deciding how best to serve others with the money they had received. Sister Mary Catherine noticed a man in tattered clothing sitting on the curb across the street. She walked up to the man, handed him the 200 dollars and said, “God's Speed.” A week later a well dressed man came to the Parish and asked for Sister Mary Catherine. She soon arrived and noticed it was the very man she had given the two hundred dollars. The man handed her a fist full of cash and said, "Here's your share! I went to the track as you suggested and God's Speed took first place at twenty eight to one."

Sign on church bulletin board in front of a church in a small Wyoming town... THIS SUNDAY: DO YOU KNOW WHAT HELL IS? COME AND HEAR OUR NEW ORGANIST.

I feel sorry for Moses... he spent forty years wandering the desert, eating nothing but the bread off the ground and the occasional bird, and every day a million people would come up to him and ask, "Are we there yet?"

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. The minister told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed. He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance. Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep, then who is the shepherd?" He was expecting the kids to refer to him. A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd." The young minister, caught somewhat off-guard, said to the boy, "Well, then, and who am I?" The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and le ft it there all night. You gotta love George.

And engineer died and when before St. Peter in heaven. St. Peter looked at his book and said "Oh, you belong with the devil." After a few months in hell the engineer met with the devil and said, "You don't have anything here. I am an engineer and I can design buildings, air conditioning..all kinds of things." The devil said, "OK... do it!" When construction was complete the devil was very pleased. Then he gets a call from St. Peter who said, "Do you remember that engineer we sent you? We made a big mistake. He is supposed to be in heaven." The devil replied with a loud and forceful voice, "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!" St. Peter replied, "We will sue you!" The devil started laughing. "What are you laughing about?" Where are you going to find a lawyer?"