Jokes

A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi were fishing one day. The Priest and the Minister got into a deep discussion as to when life truly begins. The Priest said that life is eternal, even before one is born into this world. The Minister disagreed and claimed life can only truly begin once a person is actually born into this world. The two debated this for some time. Finally, the Rabbi spoke up and said, "My brothers, you have it all wrong. True life can only begin when the kids graduate collage and move out of the house."

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."

The minister's little six-year-old girl had misbehaved during the week. Her mother decided to give her a punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was giving a sermon on the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, somewhat embarrassed, asked him what he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. So I did!"

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away." An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, my Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?" The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment. The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."

A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail. He patiently said, "Cow, thou shalt not do that." He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk. The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands. He looked at her and said, "Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee. But cow, thou also must also remember that I can sell thee."

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard. With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Harry walked over to the Priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary. I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.” “Oh Harry, Harry” said the Priest putting his arm around Harry. “Don’t you know, that’s what recorders are for.” Harry’s face lit up, “You mean I could record your sermon?”

After a worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again." It worked.

A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and she walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said, "Now that's what I call faith!"

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him. The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed. The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies. At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here." The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

At a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity, so I looked forward to hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison choir," he said, "they're behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. There, he sees St. Peter at the entrance. Before he went in, Peter stopped him and said, "Sorry, but you have told too many lies to be allowed here." The man looked at him sadly and said, "Have a heart, you were once a fisherman yourself."

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple. But with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.

Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?

When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve became suspicious and upset. "You're running around with other women, aren't you?" she accused. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam asked, half asleep. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people. He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down. When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was slightly annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," said the minister. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” “Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Saint Peter explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “sure, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly!” said Saint Peter. “When people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed!”

The priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so." Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary." "Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office.”

A religious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?" A student replied, "Because his mother was there."

A pastor told the congregation his desire to lose weight and by declaring it to them he thought it would help him meet his goal. After several weeks of taking another route past his favorite pastry shop he made the mistake of going by it on his way to the church and he showed up with a large box of tasty treats. "What happened to your diet? asked the head deacon. "I prayed this morning as I passed my favorite pastry shop that if the Lord wanted me to stop, to give me a sign by having a parking space open right in front of the shop. Sure enough, on the third trip around the shop there indeed opened up a free space."

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God'."