Jokes

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon. "The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed." Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?" "All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year."

Oh Lord, give me patience, and, and... AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!

A man was finally rescued, after having been on a deserted island for 10 years. The first question he was asked was why there were three huts on the island if he was alone. He replied, "The first one is my home, the second is my church and the third is the church I used to attend."

Both my wife and I are bad cooks. Our cooking is so bad, that our kids have started praying after we've had dinner.

Q. What was Adam and Eve's address after they were thrown out the Garden of Eden? A. 281 Apple

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven." To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. Little Johnny interrupted, "My dad looked back once, while he was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and he turned into a telephone pole!"

A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited a church on Sunday morning. They like to sit close to the front so they entered a pew in the second row. Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said, "Excuse me, this pew is saved." Without missing a beat, the husband replied, "So are we."

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?" And the Jewish samurai replies, "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. "Not bad," he thought. "At least I don't need to get a shave every day." The next morning the man's face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

How does a pastor keep the wheels of the church turning? By preaching about hell, fire and bridgestone!

Adam: "What are we having for dinner?" Eve: "Spare Ribs." Adam: "What is that, some kind of joke?"

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil. Let him know how little you think of his evil." The priest repeated his words. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?” The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.” “I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at the convent, we call it ‘Catholic shampoo.’ ” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes then catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

A man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me." The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me." The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replies, "In a second."

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''

A priest asked a group of fourth graders in a religious class, "How many of you would like to go to heaven?" All raised their hands except Johnny. The priest asked Johnny why he didn't want to go to heaven. Johnny said, "I do, but I thought you wanted to go right now."

A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

A Christian family was at a pet store when the owner suggested that they get a Bible Dog. Family: Bible Dog? Owner: Watch. Bible Dog pray! (Bible Dog starts praying.) Owner: Bible Dog read! (Bible Dog starts reading scripture.) Family: We'll take him. One week later the family hosts a party. The family shows off the Bible Dog by doing the same tricks that the owner showed them. One of the guests say that's fine, but can he do normal tricks. Family: Bible Dog sit! (Nothing happens.) Family: Bible Dog come! (Nothing happens.) Family: Bible Dog heel! Bible Dog stands on his two feet and lays a hand on one of the family's head and says, "You've been saved!!!"

Little johnny is watching his father, a minister, prepare his Sunday sermon. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Preparing my sermon for tomorrow" his father answers. "But how do you know what to write?" asks little johnny. "I write what God tells me," was the reply. Little johnny thinks about this for a second and then asks, "So why do you keep on crossing out?"

Every week Murray goes to the synagogue and prays, "God, please let me win the lottery. Just once, please let me win the lottery." This goes on week after week, month after month, "God, please let me win the lottery." One day this majestic voice booms down from above, "Murray, meet me halfway, buy a ticket!"

One day a drunk minister gets pulled over by a police officer. Police Officer: Have you been drinking alcohol? Minister: No, sir. Just this bottle of water. Police Officer: That looks like a bottle of Chardonnay to me. Minister: (looking up) Sweet Jesus! You've done it again!

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program! The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.

A professor has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting, he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City." The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased and proceeds through the gates. Next, the professor steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The professor is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life teaching and get nothing! How can that be?" The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results. All of your people sleep through your lectures, in his taxi, they pray!"

Eric went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married woman from the parish. Father Duffy asked Eric who she was and Eric said, "Father, I can't tell you." Father said, "If you don't tell me I can't give you absolution." Eric again said, "I know Father, but I just can't tell you." Father Duffy then asked, "Was it Mrs. Murphy?" "No, Father." "Was it Mrs. O'Malley?" "No, Father." "Was it Mrs. O'Brian?" "No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was." Father Duffy tells Eric to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Eric leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?" "Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him." "What did he say? Did he give you absolution?" "Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"