Jokes

Why doesn't The Mummy take vacations? He's afraid he'll relax and unwind.

What do you call a thieving crocodile? A crookodile!

How do you put a baby alien to bed? You rocket to sleep.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

You might say a bald head is... Is unlocked???

The St. Patrick’s Day parade is a March event.

What do you call a charitable person in Portland? An Oregon donor!

Nuts are so expensive now-a-days... They cost you an ALM-OND a LEG!

What do you call a bite from a zombie? A kill-o-bite.

I know a guy who actually took his first date to a gym... Needless to say, they didn't work out.

What do you call it when a zombie is last to cross the finish line in a marathon? Being dead last.

Is it the end of the world if I do not know the meaning of the word APOCALYPSE?

What happened when the grape was crushed? It let out a little wine...

Sign on entrance door to delicatessen: KNOCKWURST BEFORE ENTERING!

Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool? Because there wasn’t mushroom.

Newspaper Ad: "Attractive kitten seeks position in someone's lap. Will do light mouse work."

Valentine Day sign at the local produce store: I love you... from my head TO-MA-TOES!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the laundromat? He woke up an hour ago.

What is it called when you get sick while riding in a carpool? CAR POOL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

Mom: Why did you decide to study earthquakes? Tom: I just cracked up! Sammy: Why did you steal that broom? Tammy: I flew off the handle! Nan: Why did you knock over the Chinese Checkers? Dan: I lost my marbles! Jenny: Why did you chase that squirrel? Lenny: I went nuts! Jon: Why did you throw all those baseballs? Ron: I pitched a fit! Kay: Why did you burn the pancakes? Jay: I flipped out! Jerry: Why did you jump in the pool? Terry: I went off the deep end!

Here are some Unwritten Books: After the Beach by Sandy Britches Beachcombing Crafts by Purdy C. Shells Chocolate Bunny Mishaps by Melton N.D. Sun Christmas Treats by Candie Kane Deep-Sea Diving by Don I. Gogh Eagle Watching by C.M. Soar Getting Good Grades by U.R. Smart Having a Positive Attitude by U. Ken Duitt Indoor Winter Fun by Shirley Snowden Inside the Principal’s Office by U.R.N. Trubble Kissing the Blarney Stone by Ken U. Pucker Life in the Arctic Ocean by I.C. Waters Making New Friends by Jovanna Play Math Made Easy by Adam Up Midnight Howls by Ali Katz Our National Anthem by Jose Canusi Outrunning Lions by Hugo Fast Pet Grooming by Harry Dahgs Sledding Disasters by C.D. Tree The Best Holiday Costumes by M.I. Scary Whales and Other Sea Mammals by Dolly Finn

If you feel the need to build an ARK because of all the rain, just contact me... I NOAH guy!

As the herd of cows were traveling, one of them was falling behind. She shouted out to the others that she could not run any faster. She shouted, "Slow down, my calves are killing me!"

How does someone actually break out into a "cold sweat"? Doing Pilates in a Meat Locker?

I once swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.

How do you compliment... The Abominable Snowman? Tell him he’s cool. A secretary? Tell her she’s really neat. A boxer? Tell him he’s a knock-out. A surfer? Tell her she’s swell. A mail carrier? Tell him he’s first class. A demolition crew? Tell them they did a bang-up job. A witch? Tell her she’s charming. An astronaut? Tell her she’s out of this world. A right fielder? Tell him he’s far-out. Frankenstein? Tell him he looks like a new man.

I was playing badminton. So I took some classes and they are paying off. Now, I play goodminton.

What is a dentist's favorite day to shop? Plaque-Friday!

What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee? A brewhaha.

Don't ever run with Bagpipes... You could poke an eye out... Or worse yet, you could get kilt!