Jokes

What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!

Nero was talking to his financial advisers in a Roman amphitheater. "Why aren't we making any money from this building?" he said. An advisor replied, "Because the lions are eating up all the prophets."

Why do Nuclear physicists have trouble concentrating on one project? They have too many ions in the fire.

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don’t know 'y'.

I wanted to do a pun on Sodium, but Na.....

"I don't like insect puns." "Really? Why not?" "I don't know, they just bug me."

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

Google is so useless... I tried to look up lighters and all they had was about 15,000 matches.

My house is haunted by a ghostwriter... Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I applied for a job as a weatherman, but my knowledge of meteorology was a little cloudy.

There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful young maiden. She lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck. In addition, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off. Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.

What might you call a honeybee which was able to escape a huge spider's web? A Freebie

Geology rocks! But Geography is where it's at!

Why did the watch make a quick trip to the dry cleaners? It was pressed for time!

My wife found a twenty in my pants pocket after she washed and dried them. I had to turn her in to the authorities.... For money laundering.

What is Kylo Ren's favorite car make? Han-Die.

What do Tic-Tacs say each other when they can't freshen someone's breath? "It's time to bring in reinforce-mints!"

Bill went to the chiropractor thinking that the chiropractor would not be able to treat his chronic back pain. After a few minutes, his back felt like new. The doctor asked, "How do you feel about chiropractors now," Bill replied, "I stand corrected!"

I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes. One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a long story short . . . "

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I replied, "It does not matter if you Windsor knot, it is how you play the game!"

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

It's been my life long vision to become an optometrist... But I just couldn't see a way to make it happen.

I'm really good at being lazy... In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy, I should expect a-trophy.

I got a job working in a hay field. After one day I bailed.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes? Yeah, she fell on hard tines.

Recently I experienced muscle pain after installing a sound-deadening device on my car's exhaust system... The doctor diagnosed it as a case of muffler cramps.

If person A lends an item to person B... And person B returns it... Then later, person B wants to borrow it again, but this time person A refuses... Is person A, relentless?

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy-Bear.

What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? T-Rex!