Jokes

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet. They had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw away one cigarette overboard. "What are you doing?" asked one of the other sailors. "Don't worry, this will work," he began. "The lifeboat is a cigarette lighter now!"

What do you call a conductor who is always giving his orchestra grief? A treble maker.

The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of animals. Not long after that the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand. Starving in the wild, they began feeding on humans. Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict. He refused. Thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief. Not only was the revolt successful, it was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game.

What has a bottom at its top? A pair of legs!

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? They ended in a tie.

A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my-newt.”

What did the Police Officer say to the woman who was sleeping? "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to do this, but I have to take you in. You're under a rest."

There was a guy that bet his friend he could name every single ingredient in a hotdog. Seeing as how he was drunk, his friend decides to take him on. After some inaudible talk and a few loud outbursts, he inevitably lost. Needless to say, the ingredients he named weren't even in the BallPark.

If you refuse to go to sleep... Does that mean you're resisting a rest?

My paper got ripped earlier... I'm still torn up about it!

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When... - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked. - You speed walk in your sleep. - You answer the door before people knock.

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused. It must have been the delivery.

Did you hear about the yogic guru who had a terrible toothache? He wouldn't let the dentist give him any painkillers. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

John: Do you know how big the world's biggest nose was? David: Eleven inches John: That's not very long. David: If it was any longer, it would be a foot.

Why don't bald men have keys? It's because they don't have locks!

How can you simultaneously claim that an Indian flat bread both exists and doesn't exist? By saying, "There's naan there."

What kind of aspirin works best in the freezing cold of winter? Coated aspirin

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary... What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous!

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

I once dreamed I was living in the Hilton rent-free... Talk about having suite dreams!

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got back were icy stares.

For years, the fad dieter ate everything with prickly pears... now he eats everything with sorghums.

Whenever there is an earthquake, the geologists are always quick to find fault!

I once got into so much debt that I couldn't even afford my electricity bills... Those were some dark times...

His beard is so thick, when he eats food he mustache some of it away for later!

A guy applies for financial assistance. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the clerk. "I can't see myself going to work."

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers... They could call it On Anon Anon...

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into a small place.

I recently stumbled upon my favorite new sports team... It’s a woman’s bowling squad called, "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter".

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.