Jokes

Donald: Hi, Daisy... Daisy: Don’t talk to me! I’m so mad I can’t speak! I was driving on Oak Street and a policeman gave me a ticket for going the wrong way! Donald: Sure, Oak’s a one way street. It’s against the law to drive north on Oak. Daisy: That’s just the point! I wasn’t going north, I was going east!

Cop: You know how fast you were going? Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic. Cop: What traffic? The road is empty. Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

One day Al was driving to the lake for a swim when he noticed a man on the side of the highway dressed all in red. “Who are you?” asked Al as he pulled up to the stranger. “I’m the Man in Red and I’m very hungry,” said the man. Reaching into his lunch sack, Al pulled out a sandwich, handed it to the man, then sped off down the road. A few miles later, Al spotted another man, this time dressed all in yellow. “What can I do for you?” asked Al. “I’m the Man in Yellow and I’m very thirsty.” Pulling out a can of soda, Al handed the Coke to the man , then resumed his journey. Anxious to get to the lake before sunset, Al put his foot to the pedal and roamed off down the road, only to spot yet another man, dressed all in blue, signaling for Al to stop. “Don’t tell me!” said Al impatiently. “You’re the Man in Blue, right?” ”That's right!” replied the man. ”Well, what do you want?” ”Driver’s license and registration, please.”

My new neighbor, Hans, just moved to the states from Norway and was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer, "I saw a big sign with 66 on it." "That's highway 66," the officer said disgustedly. Hans replied, "You should have seen me yesterday on Highway 110!"

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s okay, I’m not going that far.

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective. "Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of." "And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant. "Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear' and he'd doze off."

I saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird... Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops”...

On his patrol a policeman came across four guys in a tree and he asked that they come down. After they all came down the policeman asked, "Who are you guys?" One of the guys replied, "Geez what a memory! We are the guys that were up in the tree!"

A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

I got pulled over. The cop asked me why I didn't stop at the stop sign? I answered, "Do you believe everything you read?"

A police officer found a lost toddler hysterically calling her mother. The police tried to talk and console the toddler. Police: "Don't worry child, I will help you go home. Where do you live?" Toddler: "With my parents." Police: "Where do your parents live?" Toddler: "With me." Police: "Where do you all live?" Toddler: "In our house." Police: "Where is your house?" Toddler: "Next to our neighbor's house." Police: "Where is your neighbor's house?" Toddler: "Will you get me home if I tell you?" Police: "Tell me." Toddler: "Next to our house."

After conducting a preliminary investigation about home burglary, the homeowner is very anxious if he could get back his stolen belongings. Homeowner: "Officer what is the chance of me getting my things back." Police: "It's very unfortunate this happened. I am sorry even if we catch the culprits, chances are your properties are already sold or gone." Homeowner: "What should I do?" Police: "Better lock next time."

The two teenagers were arrested for disorderly conduct. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Sometime later a man entered the station and asked for them by name. The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?" "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."

My neighbor is with the K-9 unit of our police department and named his partner "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID". He watches peoples reaction when he calls his name.

A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?" "Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"

Magistrate: "What was he doing when you arrested him?" Policeman: "He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor." Magistrate: "That is no proof he has drunk." Policeman: "Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there."

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."

An elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me!" Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to the man, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" He replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available?”

A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots, and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name. "Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply. "Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked. "Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!"

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “Papers?” I replied, “Scissors, I win” and drove off. I think he wants a re-match because he’s been following me for 45 minutes.

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

What happens when a police officer gets into bed? He becomes an undercover cop.

A police theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the officer called the farmer directly. "Is it true, Mr. Smith, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being from that area herself, the officer clearly understood the farmer. She entered her report: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

A police officer said to a motorist, "What were you doing? Your car was zigzagging like crazy!" "I'm learning to drive." "Without an instructor in the car?" "Oh, yes. It's an online course."

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

A detective came up and asked me where I was between 6 and 7... He seemed annoyed when I said, “second grade."

Policeman: "Why are you driving without a light?" Scooterist: "There is light everywhere." Policeman: "Then shall I remove the air from your tires?" Scooterist: "Why would you do that?" Policeman: "Because there is air everywhere..."

I was at a mini-mart one day when I noticed a woman smoking a cigarette while she was gassing up her car. There was a deputy in the store watching her. Suddenly the woman's arm caught fire. She was screaming and trying desperately to put it out, but couldn't. The deputy ran over and put out the fire with his soda. He then handcuffed the lady and put her in the back of his squad car. I couldn't resist going over to him and asking what he was charging the woman with. He looked at me, smiled, and said, "I'm charging her with waving a firearm around."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yes I did, but I don't believe everything I read."

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer isn't always right!"