Jokes

Man: Whats your name? Woman: Tammy Man: You should change it to Campbells, cause you're mmm mmm GOOD!

Guy: Miss, do have a bandaid? Girl: Yes, why? Guy: Because I scraped my knees when I fell for you!

Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee? Woman: No, why? Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!

BOY:Are you tired? GIRL:Why? BOY:Because you've been running through my mind all day.

When things go wrong, When sadness fill your heart, When tears flow in your eyes, Just let me know, Cause I want to be there for you, I am selling tissues,buy one get one free

Johnny whispers into his dad’s ear, "Will you give me ten dollars if I tell you what the man in the uniform says to mom every morning?" The father takes ten dollars out of his wallet and hands it to the boy. "Now, tell me what he says?" The boy looks at his dad and says, "Good morning, I’ve got some mail for you."

My uncle, known for his heavy foot, was stopped by high patrol for driving 88 miles per hour in a 60 miles per hour zone. Uncle: "Officer, was I driving too fast." Officer: "No, I'm not giving you a speeding ticket. I'm ticketing you for flying too low without a pilot's license."

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

Al: I got fired from my job as a bank guard. Sam: What happened? Al: A thief came into the bank. I drew the weapon and told him that if he took one more step, I’d let him have it. Sam: What did he do then? Al: He took one more step, so I let him have it. Who wanted that stupid old gun, anyway?

A woman was driving down the street and got stopped by a police officer. "May I see your driver's license?" he said. She looked at him with disgust. "What's the matter with you guys? I wish you'd make up your minds. You took my license from me yesterday."

Police Chief: The thief got away, eh? Did you guard all the exits? Deputy: Yes, we did. But he tricked us. He went out through an entrance.

Policeman: What are you looking for, Mister, did you lose something? Man: Yes, I lost my watch. Policeman: Where did you lose it? Man: On Tenth Street. Policeman: But this is Twelfth Street. Man: I know. But when I dropped it, it was still running.

Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.

Fresh from graduation the rookie policeman called the precinct to report his first robbery: "Chief, a man has been robbed down here and I've got one of them." Chief: "Great job. Which one of them do you have?" Rookie: "I have the one that has been robbed."

A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Morris," said grandma, "you've been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

Dispatcher: Nine one one. What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks. Why?

On a street where the speed is limit is 30 mph, the police stop a driver. "Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?" "Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic." "Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?” “Last night at 11:00,” I said. “And the tires were on it then?”

Officer: "Why should you be released early?" Man: "I’m..." Officer: "Go on..." Man: "I think..." Officer: "Yes?" Man: "Can I please finish my sentence?" Officer: "Sure, if that's what you really want. Parole denied."

First day as a police officer... Captain: "Why did you call for back up?" Me: "There was a fly in my car." S.W.A.T. Team Leader: "What exactly do you think we do?"

Mr. Boggs was halted by the highway patrol who informed him that he was going seventy-five miles an hour in a twenty-five mile an hour zone. "I wasn't going seventy-five!" protested Mr. Boggs. "I wasn't even going sixty, I wasn't even going fifty, I wasn't even going forty, I wasn't even going..." "Hey look out," said the highway patrol person. "At this rate you will be backing into something soon enough..."

Cop: "Seen anything unusual?" Me: "A dolphin with a hat, once." Cop: "I mean around here." Me: "Nah - they live in water."

A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.

2 Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, Sarge, why did you stop?" The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

After being locked in an impenetrable strongroom, a panicked Dr. Watson cries, "How are we to escape, Holmes?" Calmly, the sleuth produces a small knife and a lemon, which he carefully cuts into small pieces. He then sticks the pieces of lemon on the wall in the shape of a door, and with a push creates a doorway. An astonished Watson asks, "How on earth did you do that, Holmes?" "Lemon-entry my dear Watson, Lemon-entry!"

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?" "No idea, they just ransomware!"

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for speeding motorists. One day he was suspicious when everyone was going under the speed limit. He found the problem. There was a boy standing with a sign that read "Radar Trap Ahead". A few hundred yards down the road stood his friend with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucketful of change.

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me!"

A man was complaining to his friend: “I’m sick of the police telling me how to drive when they themselves are worse drivers.” “How do you mean?” asked the friend. “Well, just look at how many signs you see by the side of the road saying, ‘Police Accident’.”