Jokes

Why couldn't the police identify the dead baker? He was a John Dough!

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard." He then scratches out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard." Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch, scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. Back to his notepad, he writes, "Head on curb."

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No, sorry." says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "Well, they didn't ask."

The police officer approaches the driver, "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." The lady driver looks at the officer and replies, "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."

My husband was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing his seat belt. Two days later – same ticket, same cop. “So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?” “Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work.”

Police officer talks to a driver: "Your tail light is broken, your tires must be changed, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars!!" [Pause] Driver: "Alright, go ahead and do it. They want twice as much as that at the garage."

Why did the coffee grounds call 911? Because they GOT MUGGED

The older police detective stopped by my house and asked where i was between 5 & 6? I respectfully replied, "Kindergarten, sir."

2 bedbugs were having a discussion. "I just graduated from bedbug private investigator classes. I'm going to start performing clandestine and secret investigations." "I figured you'd want to be an 'in your face, take no prisoners, out there' kind of police bug?" "Not really. I do my best work under cover!"

I wasn't planning on going for a run this morning, but those mall security guards came out of nowhere!

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar disturbance. The 'disturbance' turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist, probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after three hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had two Corvettes heading his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!"

Actual 911 Calls: Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn.... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police.

A cop breaks up a fight by two invisible men. As the crowd gathers, he shouts, "Move along, folks. There's nothing to see here!"

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires. So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car. "I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer. "What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally a police car came pulling up to the scene. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face." "Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Bill Brown as a drug dealer. He is hiding drugs in his firewood." "We will check it out." Next day, the FBI come over to Brown's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no drugs, and leave. The phone rings at Brown's house. "Hello, Bill! Did the FBI come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable garden plowed up."

Police: Did you kill this man? Me: No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes.

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop. “So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop. “Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”

A cop pulled me over and saids, "Papers." I turned to him and said, "Scissors. I win!" and then drove away.

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer. "Well, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

What did the Super Nova say to the cop when he was pulled over for speeding? "You can't give me a ticket. I'm a BIG STAR!"

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who had injured himself running from a home. He told me he had broken in and unhooked the phone before searching the home. He panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice... “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey again nodded up and down. "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey again nodded yes in agreement. "Now wait, you're saying they were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?" asked the officer. "Yes," nodded the monkey, emphatically. "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving," motioned the monkey.

A police officer saw a woman knitting as she was driving. He could not believe his eyes. He yelled at her to pull over. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "No, its a scarf!"