Jokes

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep The leftovers beckoned The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation! So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!! I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ... HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!!

Two men were in a forest, when a lion came roaring towards them. One of them throws sand into the lion's eyes and then runs. The second man stays, unmoved. The first man looks back and shouts, "Why are you not running?" The second man replies, "Why should I be running? You're the one who threw the sand."

BUFFET: A French word that means, "Get up and get it yourself." (Internet Source) BUTTERBALL TURKEY: Someone who would rather watch a soccer match on TV than join the family for Thanksgiving dinner. (MsSam) CALORIE: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. (Lexicon) CASSEROLE: Thanksgiving leftovers incognito. (Variation of a daffynition by Lexicon) CIRCUMSPECTIVE DESSERT: Pumpkin pi. (MsSam) FLABBERGASTED: Bewildered at your weight gain over the holidays. (Variation of an Internet Source) FOODSTUFF: All you can eat buffet. (Charles G. Waugh) FOWL: Four letter bird. (Variation of a statement in Art. Moger, ed., The Complete Pun Book, 1979, p. 99) FOUL WIND: Breeze produced by a flying turkey. (Internet Source) KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL THANKSGIVING DAY PARTY: The tur-key. (Joseph Leff) GOBBLE: A bull that talks turkey. (Internet Source)

A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house. The host deftly carved the turkey and said, "I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" The surgeon replied, "Anybody can take it apart. Let's see you put it back together again."

It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That one's too skinny. What else have you got"? says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them."

Why did Santa go to a Kanye West concert? He wanted to improve his wrapping skills!

Is there a Fourth of July in England? Of course there is! There’s a Fourth of July in every country. It’s just only in America that it's a holiday.

When does Christmas come before Halloween and Thanksgiving? In the dictionary!

The kid wants to be a bird for next halloween... So she can say, "trick or tweet!"

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "I'm tired of talking about this too, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Mr. and Mrs. Ghost had always wanted just one child. When Mrs. Ghost gave birth to twins, she asked her shocked and surprised husband to name the two children. He happily replied, "This little boy is now named BOO!" "What about the second child?" asked the nurse. After giving it some serious thought Mr. Ghost replied, "Our second child will be named Boo Boo!"

Why was The German baker arrested on 10/31 for cheating his customers? He was selling hollow weenies!

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer. He said to me, "You can't drink while you're working." I said, "Oh, don't worry - I'm not working."

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That’s right—he was elf taught.

I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day... When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

A guy comes home with a cat in his arms and says, "The man says this is a Cannibal monkey." The wife says, "You are drunk an talking out your head!" "Shush, I'm talking to the cat."

Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: So what do you do after Christmas?

Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate’s solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. “Pilate, I don’t hear you,” he called out. “You’re not loud enough.” “Pilate is at work,” a voice on the stage shouted back. “We’ve got our co-Pilate tonight.”

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. “Great,” she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. “I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ___________.” His response: “Receipts.”

Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? A: He was having a bad hare day! Q: How does the Easter bunny keep his fur neat? A: With a harebrush! Q: What kind of books do rabbits like? A: Ones with hoppy endings! Q: Why shouldn't you tell an Easter egg a good joke? A: It might crack up! Q: Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? A: Because the powder puff is on the other end! Q: What did one colored egg say to the other? A: "Heard any good yolks lately"? Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny? A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot! Q: How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket? A: Only one. After that, it's not empty! Q: Why did the Easter egg hide? A: He was a little chicken!

What is Santa's favorite snack food? What else, Hostess Ho Ho's...

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?” He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon blanc.”

Just before Easter, I remarked to my husband that with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn’t dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt. “That’s all right, honey,” he said. “We can just hide each other’s vitamin pills.”

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. "So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?" Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day." "Oh, really?" "No, O'Reilly!"

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Changing Resolutions... 2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds. 2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds. 2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2013: I will work out every day. 2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies.

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important, the football games on television or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile. "You didn't miss a thing!"

Resolutions You Can Keep... 1.) Gain at least 30 pounds. 2.) Read less. 3.) Stop exercising. 4.) Watch more TV. 5.) Procrastinate more. 6.) Start being superstitious. 7.) Spend more time at work. 8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more. 9.) Sleep more. 10.) Start a new bad habit.