Jokes

Do you know what Labor Day is? Mommy's sure do!

What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.

As I was waiting in the Doctor's office the day after Christmas I accidentally overheard a conversation between the desk employee and another patient on the phone. Employee: "Ma'am the Doctor's office will be closed for the next few days due to the snow storm headed into town. Would you please choose a date to reschedule? Would sometime next week be fine? I could hear the patient on the phone getting upset and not wanting to change her appointment. Trying to be as polite as he could, the employee began again: "But ma'am when you show up this week for your appointment no one will be here because of the snow storm." I then heard yelling from the woman on the line before she abruptly hung up. The employee shook his head in disbelief. Trying to make his day a little better I said, "You would think after Christmas people would have a better attitude." Employee: "She's more Halloween than Christmas!"

Question: What does Santa Claus measure by? Answer: Santa-meters

Now that all of the coal mines are closed, all of those lumps of coal Santa left me are now worth a fortune! I think I can corner the market with my supply alone... Thanks Santa!

What kind of music do Christmas elves like the best? Wrap music!

My new years resolution is not to shovel snow... Since I'm moving to Phoenix Arizona, I feel pretty good about it.

Dear Santa, For this year I'm requesting a BIG bank account and a SMALL body. P.S. Please don't mix them up like you did last year.

This Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox, nothing more. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, one Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine... because I bought her an Xbox.

Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet? Because they are rain deer.

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company. The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway. The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."

How does Santa keep the weeds out of his garden? With a Hoe-Hoe-Hoe.

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOESN'T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS... 10. A car wash kit 9. A table saw 8. Two all-day passes to Best Buy's Home Theatre Installation Seminar 7. A case of oil 6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated 5. Custom engraved bowling ball 4. New outboard motor for fishing boat 3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD 2. New satellite dish with sports package 1. Three-year membership to Weight Watchers Clinic

What did the snowman say when he felt he was misunderstood? Did you get my drift?

Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus were reviewing letters from children when Santa said, "I just don't know if I can grant this wish. It is impossible." "What are they asking for?" she inquired. "Alligator shoes," he said. "We have all kinds of alligator shoes, what is the problem?" "They did not give me the shoe size of the alligator."

After all the little children finished visiting Santa at the big mall, a 20 year old young lady went up and sat on Santa's knee. "I want to ask for just one thing for Christmas," she said, "and it is for my momma." Santa replied, "I usually only answer little children, but since it is for your momma go ahead and ask me what she would like for Christmas." "She would really, really love a handsome son-in-law."

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas you know, Way out on the prairie, without any snow. Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue, A'dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you. Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds, For this was Texas, What more need be said? When all of a sudden from out the still night, There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright! And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun, A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run. The driver was whistling and shouting with a will, The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill. "Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right", There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight. The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red, Had a 10-gallon Stetson on the top of his head. As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight, With his beard so curly and white. As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke, And both so astonished, that neither one spoke. And he filled up their boots with such presents galore, That neither could think of a single thing more. When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?" "Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think? And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink. Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl, TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along, that despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me. "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."

Christmas is a weird holiday. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder. ~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off. ~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games. ~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.") ~ Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..." ~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song. ~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically, "It didn't work!" ~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings!"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?" "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!"

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year... And thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

What do you call a Turkey with a limp? A gobble with a wobble.

Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket... He was picking his nose.

May your dressing be tasty, May your turkey be plump... May your potatoes and gravy, Have never a lump... May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize... And may your Thanksgiving dinner, Stay off your thighs!

Bingo and Bango were two of Santa's elves assigned to make cheese for Christmas food baskets. However, they got into a slight argument about who was to do what. "I know how to make cheese, Santa," said Bango. "The thickened curds and gelatinized whey separate from coagulated milk. We then press the mixture and allow it to ripen and cure. Voila, cheese!" "There's a lot more to it than that," said Bingo. "I don't think you're experienced enough." "Can't I just thicken the curds to help make the cheese?" begged Bango. "All right, Bango," conceded Santa. "I'll let you thicken the curds, but Bingo gels all the whey!"

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!" His friends, who had gotten quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?" The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I have no idea. Can't catch it."

As patrons were shopping at the mall around Christmas, Bill and Fred heard a commotion coming from the area where Santa greets the children. "What do you suppose is going on?" asked Bill. A nearby shopper told them that the new Santa Clause, an eccentric old fellow, had attached dozens of clocks, watches, and other various timepieces onto his big wide belt, circling his whole body. "Let's go see him," said Fred. "He sounds like a nut, but it's worth checking out." "Naw, I'm not interested," replied Bill. "Why don't you want to see Santa with a bunch of clocks tied around his midriff?" "I'll tell you why. It's a waist of time!"

What type of clothes do ghost wear? BOO JEANS

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A: A pine-apple.