Jokes

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first... Your money or your feet!

Just before Santa took off for his annual around the world trip, Mrs. Claus looked out the window and commented... "It looks like rain-dear!"

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true, Comet now cleans sinks.

Wife to husband... "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts... like ties and fur coats."

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could go for lunch that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went to pick her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the turkey."

"I heard JC Penney was opening even earlier for Black Friday this year!" "Really, when?" "Halloween."

What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "They're Carol's."

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. The mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" The husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year."

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"

I was eating lunch on the 18th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?" He said, "It's President's Day!" I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc. He replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because spleens would look pretty gross!

What did Santa say when Mrs. Claus asked what the weather was going to be like on Christmas Day? He said, "Rain, Dear."

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it. "Johnny," began the teacher, "I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey? "It's the flea, teacher." "What flea?" she asked. The boy faithfully replied, "The Bible verse says, 'Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.' So there's Mary, there's Jesus, and there's the flea."

The 4 stages of man... He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.

My wife calls me handsome... Every payday she says to me, "Hand some over!"

I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year... My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she going to make a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

Christmas time... That time of year when many people are more interested in the present than the past.

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that." "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift." But couldn't people learn to think a bit bigger?!?!

What do you call a Santa Claus who has no money? Saint Nickel-less!

You've finally have gone overboard with your ugly Christmas sweaters... This one is so ugly, it makes Ralph Lauren just Ralph!

What is the most common sickness for Christmas Trees? Tincel-itis!

Why do gingerbread men not have teeth? Because they are prone gingivitis.

A little girl is in the kitchen watching her mother prepare for the following day's Christmas dinner. She asks, "Mommy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?" Her mommy replies, "No honey, you'll have turkey just like the rest of us."

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"

I was doing some baking for the holidays, so I was kneading dough. It was getting late and I was tired so, I decided to leave the cleanup mess until the next morning. The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the countertop. Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI. They confirmed that I did, in fact, have Ant-Tracks. Yikes!