Jokes

When do you stop at green and go at red? When you are eating a watermelon.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head got together and got married... They then made Tater-Tots.

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Don't worry, sir, the spider in your salad will get it."

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up!

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset; cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing. It's such a shame good people have to die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace.

My daughter went to her fast food restaurant and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce... He said, "Sorry, but we only carry iceberg lettuce."

What did the egg say to the whisk? I know when I'm beaten.

"Why are you adding cactus to our salad?" "I heard that cactus stores water in its stem. So I decided to add cactus to make a mouth watering salad."

Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!" "My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison? An esca-pea!

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, While you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it all. Sincerely, The Opportunist

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly, "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!” The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry, but you only booked one table…”

I ate a box of Thin Mints. I didn’t get any thinner. I don’t think they work.

Pro tip: if you add coconut oil to your kale... It makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.

I was sitting at the counter of a restaurant when a gentleman sat in the seat beside me. I watched as he ordered a cup of coffee and put about fifteen spoonful's of sugar in it. He took a sip without stirring it. I remarked, "You didn't stir your coffee." He said, "I know, I don't like it sweet."

A culinary student was learning to make a proper gravy. His teacher asked, "Did you start with a roux?" "No, too time consuming," replied the student. The teacher sternly replied, "Rouxs are meant to be enforced!"

A friend of mine one day hadn’t eaten in over twelve hours. He says to me, “Man, I’m hungry!” I quickly reply, “I thought your name was Alfred, not hungry?"

A man enters the kitchen, opens the sugar box, looks inside and closes it. He does it again and again. Why? Because the doctor told him to check his sugar levels regularly.

Husband: You brought home donuts. I thought we agreed, no sweets, while you were on your diet. Wife: I know it but the Lord wanted me to have them. Husband: How do you know the Lord wanted you to have them? Wife: As I was approaching the donut shop I said to the Lord, "If it's your will for me to have donuts, let there be a parking space open right in front of the shop". Husband: So I suppose there was an open parking space? Wife: Absolutely! The eighth time around the block there it was.

At the end of the year, Apple plans on unveiling their very first restaurant where it will serve breakfast all day, like Denny’s. They plan on calling it iHop.

"Darn!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself at the local drug store scale. "I started on a new diet but the scale says I'm heavier than I was before." Turning to his friend, he said, "Here, hold my jacket." The scale still indicated that he had not lost any weight. "OK," he said to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies."

Q: What do skeletons say before eating? A: Bone Appetit!

After finishing the 'cured ham' dinner, Mable asked her husband, "I wonder what the ham was cured of?"

My parents decided to order two pizzas for dinner, planning to use a 50% off coupon for each pizza. When the bill came, my father handed both coupons to the waitress. She thought for a minute, and held up the coupons side by side. “Well,” she said, “50 + 50 is 100, so it looks like your pizzas are free!”

Me: "I'll have the french dip." Waitress: "French Fries?" Me: "No, I'll Have the FRENCH DIP." Waitress: (nods) "French Fries?" Me: "No, I want the french dip. It's a beef sandwich that come with au jous sauce that you can dip it in." Waitress: "Yes, I know what a french dip is. But would you like french fries with that?" Me: "Oh. Yes, thank you."

Finally old enough to date, I awkwardly take my first girlfriend to a fancy restaurant where they don't have cheeseburgers or pizza on the menu. Waitress: Soup or Salad? Me: Sure, super salad sounds good! Waitress: Sir, soup or salad? Me: Yep, super salad sounds good. Waitress, slightly annoyed: Would you like the soup.... or... the salad? Me, embarrassed and red: I'll have the salad.

Waiter: "Sir, shall I cut the pizza into four or eight pieces?" Customer: "Please cut it into only four. I won't be able to eat eight pieces."

Splenda Daddy - a person who tries to be a Sugar Daddy, but just doesn't have enough funds for it.