Jokes

Q: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef? A: He'll dessert you.

"Waiter, it's been half hour since I ordered that turtle soup." "Yes, sir, but you know how slow turtles are."

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

There was a rabbi in a small town and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu. While he was waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walked in. He saw the rabbi and asked if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi had no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returned with the rabbi's meal. He took the cover off the large platter, and there was a whole roast pig with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president was more than a little shocked. "What a fancy place," explained the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."

"I lost twenty pounds in one day." "How did you do that?" "I left my lunch on the bus."

Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat.

Top researchers determined that cutting out beans, tomatoes and peppers will dramatically improve your diet... That is how I determined that top researchers hate chili!

What is the shoemaker's favorite dessert? Peach Cobbler.

I just burned 2,000 calories... That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I bought fresh bread at the bakery this morning. CIABATTA? No, it was a fixed price!

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings. "I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake." "No, it's not," he replied. "Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

Did you see the cereal box and the fruit punch? Now that’s what I call a food fight.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put a lox on it!

What do you do when you receive really, really slow restaurant service? You call the restaurant and ask if they deliver to TABLE #16.

Where do you find giant snails? At the end of a giant's fingers.

A customer in a New York restaurant gushed to the chef, "Your veal parmigiana is superb! I spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

Why does the fast food outlet that is named after a daughter serve square hamburger patties? Because they never cut corners!

Patron at a restaurant: "I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!" Waiter: "Well that won't change anything, he won't eat it either."

How do Spanish cows say thanks for the food that he eats? “Moo-chas Grass-ias!”

My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off. The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, "Did I get it all?"

Here's a quick guide to calorie-burning activities that do not require physical exercise, and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush - 75 Jumping to conclusions - 100 Passing the buck - 25 Throwing your weight around - 50-300 (depending on your weight) Dragging your heels - 100 Pushing your luck - 250 Making mountains out of molehills - 500 Hitting the nail on the head - 50 Bending over backwards - 75 Jumping on the bandwagon - 200 Running around in circles - 350 Climbing the ladder of success - 750 Pulling out the stops - 75 Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12 To which you may want to add some additional activities, including: Opening a can of worms - 50 Starting the ball rolling - 90 Putting your foot in your mouth - 300 And finally Picking up the pieces after - 350

I was working on making Thanksgiving dinner. I was stuffing the turkey and realized how much I dislike raw turkey and raw chicken. Then I realized its because they are fowl.

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we've got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."

There was an explosion at a french cheese factory last night... All that’s left is de Brie...

Why were the tomatoes in the fridge embarrassed? They saw the salad dressing.

I placed an order for fries at my local fast food establishment. Then, before completing the order, the counter person asked, "Would you like fries with that order?"

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too - and please make sure the glass is clean." (The waiter exits, returns.) Waiter: "Two teas. Who asked for the clean glass?"

The news today has wonderful information... Dark Chocolate is good for your health and romaine lettuce is not. I've been waiting for this all my life!

"What have you had for breakfast?" I asked my wife on the first day of her diet. "Eggs," she said. "Scrambled or hard boiled?" I asked. "No, Cadbury Creme," she replied.

What sweet confection might professional boxers enjoy most? Pound Cake.