Jokes

A man opens an outdoor stand to sell bagels and puts up a sign, "50 cents each." A jogger runs past and puts 50 cents into the bucket but doesn't take a bagel. The next day, he does the same thing. For weeks and then months, this goes on. One day, as he's jogging past, the owner joins him. The jogger laughs and says, "I know why you're here. You want to know why I always put money in the bucket and never take a bagel?" "No," says the owner, "not that. I just want to tell you that the bagels have gone up to 60 cents."

With all the additives they put in food today you have to be very very careful about what you eat. Why just the other day I was eating at a fast food place and I found potato in my French fries.

There was a fire in a cheese factory last night... There was De-Brie all over the place!

Last night I went to a wonderful Middle Eastern Restaurant and I ate so much food... Today I feel Falafel!

I'm a very generous person. I donate yeast to charities. I do this because I hope it raises a lot of dough!

A pizza and an apple were thrown down from the 15th floor, which will reach the ground first? The pizza will, it's fast food!

Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced? It had grater plans.

One waiter complained to another, “It took me all morning to fill this salt shaker.” “Why did it take you so long?” asked the other. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the salt through those little holes on top?”

If one could get salmonella from eating raw chicken... Can one get chickenella from eating raw salmon?

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them. The waiter sees this and says to them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

Yesterday, I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

An old man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup. "Is the soup too cold?" asks the waiter. "Taste the soup," says the old man. "Is it too salty?" asks the waiter. "Taste the soup!" says the old man. "Is there a fly in it?" asks the waiter. "JUST TASTE THE SOUP WILL YA!" the old man insists. The waiter looks down: "OK then...Where is the spoon?" The old man exclaims, "Aha!"

I'm trying to eat healthy so I'm making some "whole grain" oatmeal cookies. I don't like raisins so I'm substituting them for M&M's. I think their about the same thing, they both came from plants, right?!?!

After eating his entire meal, an elderly man motioned for the server. When the server approached him, he asked for the manager. He explained he would not pay for the meal. The manager responded by contacting the police. When the police arrived, they heard the complaint. They responded to the senior, "You need to pay for your meal, Sir." The man vehemently refused to pay. The frustrated police officer said, "But you ate the entire meal?" The old man yelled back, "I kept hoping the next bite would be better."

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee." "I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean." The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

I was choking on carrots and all I could think of was, "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me!"

Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

What is the best thing to put in a pie? Your teeth!

You know have a problem when you stand in your living room to take a picture, and after you say "Cheese", a rat jumps out and says, "Where?"

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

When ordering a pizza ask that it be cut in 4 slices in place of the normal 8 slices... That way, it only counts as 4 slices on your diet!

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach... ... and now I am the proud owner of Aisle 4.

A man walks into a posh restaurant and orders his meal. While he takes the first bite and is looking around, a monkey swings down and steals his plate from him before he is able to stop it. The man asks the waiter, "Excuse me sir, who owns the monkey?" The waiter replies, "It belongs to the piano player." The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my food?" The pianist responds, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Ban Pre-Shredded cheese! Make America GRATE again!

"How the diet going?" "Not good, I had eggs for breakfast." "Scrambled?" "No, chocolate."

Sign at a fast food place: Eat, or we'll both starve!

A customer walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. The waiter brings it out and there's a fly in the bowl. "Waiter, this soup has a fly in it," the customer says. "Please bring me another." The waiter walks into the kitchen and tells the chef, "Another fly for the customer."

A football fan's wife says, "I hate it when my husband calls leftovers 'Replays'." A TV Executive's wife says, "Well my husband calls them 'Reruns'." Mortician's wife says, "Count yourselves lucky, my husband calls them remains!"

If we are not to have a midnight snack, then why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes... Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese... FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!