Jokes

Why was the little shoe sad? Because his Mother was a sneaker and his Dad was a loafer.

"It's not about how tired you are, it's about how tired you're making everyone else." - My husband explaining bedtime to the kids -

My mother taught me about religion... "You better pray that this will come out of the carpet!"

BARBER: (To a long-haired teenager) You're next. TEENAGER: I'm not waiting for a haircut. BARBER: What are you waiting for? TEENAGER: Nothing. My Dad's looking for me and this is the last place in the world he would look.

Grandson: "When did you first realize you were getting old, grandpa?" Grandpa: "When I started having my midnight snack at 9:30 pm."

Daughter: "Mom, are you gaining some weights?" Mother: "Hon, it's because your dad always makes me angry. When I am mad, I eat a lot." Daughter: "No wonder dad is bigger."

"Peter!" his mother scolded. "There were two cookies in the pantry this morning but now there's only one! Do you have an explanation?" Peter replied, "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened. She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation. "That's okay, honey," I said, "you still have me." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

Daughter: "Mom, can you lend me $100?" Mother: "What? Do you think I have $50? Don't you know it's hard to earn $20? Even $10 I don't have. Luckily I keep $5 in my purse. How about I lend you $2?" Daughter: "Give it to me quickly. It might come down to $1."

A husband who has been working out as per his new years resolution says to his wife, "Honey, I think I took on too much for a beginner. I've decided to break up my workout." "Oh?" his wife asked, "How's the new work-out divided up?" The husband confidently replied, "Half for you and half for me."

Silence is golden... Unless you have children... If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

You are so boney... That when you run on the track, all the neighborhood dogs chase you.

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn."

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk to the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

“Daddy, I inherited my intelligence from you, didn’t I?” “That’s right my clever girl!” “That makes sense, because mommy still has hers.”

A 4 year old boy was asked to give thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "WOW! I wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

A young woman brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancé to his study for a chat. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. Later, the mother asks, "So? What did you learn?” He replies with a sigh, "He has no job, no savings, and no plans. But it's kind of nice how he refers to me as God."

if ignorance is bliss... Then there should be more happy people!

John: Do you know how many children a family would have if the husband had to share in the labor and delivery? Fred: No I have no idea. John: They would only have three. The woman would have the first one, the husband the second and the wife would have the third. There would be no more because the husband has no intention of going through it again.

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting. Suddenly, the mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, "It's already 3 pm! I'm about to miss my train!" She begins to put her coat on in a hurry. At this moment the son-in-law's six-year-old daughter runs up to her and before her dad can do anything, she says, "Don't hurry Granny, Daddy set the clock two hours ahead."

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle. A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale. "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl." "So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor. "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Father: What you want to be in your life? Son: A Doctor. Father: What skills do you have of a doctor? Son: Doctor's handwriting.

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson was constantly hungry. I went to the refrigerator to find something he might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. I called out to him excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. "Look! I found some chili!" I said to him. Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it."

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?” "He came from heaven, Johnny.” “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”

When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy -- an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room. "Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you." "Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"

My daughter came home so excited... She had to parallel park at work and received the following note of praise: PARKING FINE.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said, "Have you tried euthanasia?" In the background I heard my mom yell, "For the last time, it's echinacea!"

After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

I have instructed my children and wife where to go in case of a tornado... The TRASH CAN, as in my home nothing ever hits it.