Jokes

Mother and daughter are having a bonding moment. Daughter: Mommy can you differentiate the words terrible and horrible for me? Mother: Sure dear. Remember when we went to the beach last week? Daughter: Yes I remember. Mother: While swimming, your dad was caught by rip current. Daughter: Oh, that's terrible! Mother: That's right. Daughter: Mommy, what about horrible? Mother: The wave brought him back to shore.

My family wants me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes... But I can't quit cold turkey!

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice girl?"

Father to Daughter: It's a good thing you chose to takes accounting at school. Daughter: How come? Father: Because I want you to account for coming home at five am this morning.

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there. "Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

A sweater is a garment worn by a child... When his mother feels chilly.

My wife called. She said, "The two kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema." "It's either one or the other," I said. "Otherwise it's too expensive." "OK" she replied. "Which one do you prefer?" I said, "David!"

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years. "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

Arriving home from work last night I saw that my son and daughter sat in silence. I asked what was wrong. "Nothing's wrong, daddy," my daughter replied. "We're playing a game." "What's the game?" I asked. "Marriage," my son sighed.

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!" "Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?" "Then she gave it to the policeman," the boy said.

Daisy whispered in her husband’s ear, “Ask my mother about dinner.” Donald, her husband, obediently asked, “Mother-in-law, did you have dinner at home or would you like to go back home and have it?”

Newlywed Husband: "Are we still planning on having children, dear?" Newlywed Wife: "Well, considering how many times I've dropped my iPhone in the past, I really think that we should hold off on this whole baby thing for awhile."

Little Jenny: Hi Mommy, where is Daddy? Mother: He's lying on the couch and has been watching baseball all day. Why do you ask? Little Jenny: I wanted to tell him what we learned in school today. Mother: Oh yeah sweetie, and what was that? Little Jenny: Well, the teacher taught us that the human body has 270 bones at birth and 206 by adulthood. Mother: Wow Jenny! I did not know that, but I'm afraid that your teacher is incorrect when it comes to your Father though. Little Jenny: Really Mommy, why is that? Mother: Because he has an extra one, for a total of 207. It's named the Lazy-bone.

Grandfather: Son, you've got your shoes on the wrong feet. Grandson: But these are the only feet I have? Grandfather: Fair enough.

After completing dinner, a husband carries his plate to the sink and starts washing it. His wife looks at him in disbelief and says, "Honey, we are not at home. This is a restaurant."

My son crawled for the first time while I was away on business. I also missed his first steps. I was now afraid I would miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet. The answer was always "no" until one day my wife said, "Harry has something to say to you.... 'Daddy, daddy,'" I heard it over the phone and I glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said, "You should come home as soon as possible." "Why?" I asked. "He was speaking to the dog."

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years." Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

When I was young, a bully was trying to pick a fight with me. He said, "My dad can whoop your dad!" I replied, "So what, so can my mom!"

We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," we requested, "and could we please have Michelle?" "Michelle?" asked the hostess. "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"

Mother: "Son, finish your breakfast. It's not good to leave things undone or unfinished." Son: "Then I will go back to sleep." Mother: "Why?" Son: "Because I want to finish my sleep."

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."

A dad grew increasingly displeased as his teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing his patience, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I have to ask you to move your car," the father exclaimed. "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?" "No," the dad replied, "it's at the wrong address."

Friend 1: My mother thinks I am very bright. Friend 2: Did she say so? Friend 1: No, but she keeps calling me "SUN".

Three mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday." Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie." Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Alex to his friend Francis: “Yesterday was my wife’s birthday, and I asked her, 'What gift would you like to have?'” Francis : “What did she say?" Alex: "She said, 'Give me anything which has diamonds in it.'” Francis: “So what did you give her?” Alex: “A deck of playing cards.”

Son to dad: "Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?" Dad: "My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?" Son: "One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator."