Jokes

It was Loomis’s day to walk about the grounds of the asylum. Pausing by the fence, he looked into the fields of the farmer next door. “Hey,” he yelled, “what the heck are you doing?” “Spreading fertilizer on the strawberries,” replied the farmer. Shaking his head, Loomis says, “Fella, you ought to have dessert here some time. “We eat them with cream and sugar.”

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before, So pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door. One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!

If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside what is on the outside? K9p

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. " No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier. "How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor. "Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

A drunkard was trying to insert the key in the padlock, but being unsteady every time he attempted he failed. A gentleman came along and seeing the frustration of the drunkard, he offered to help him to work the key in the lock. Thanking the gentleman about his offer, the drunkard said, “It is OK. I will manage the key myself, you just hold on to this house it seems to be shaky”.

One day a woman watching the news saw this lady talking about a car driving on the wrong side of the road during rush hour. The woman realized her husband was driving on that same road! She ran to her phone to call him and tell him what she had seen on the news. When she got a hold of him he replied, “yes there are a lot of them on the wrong the wrong side..."

What goes up and never comes down? Your age 1 egg takes 5 minutes to boil. How long does 10 eggs take to boil? The same 5 minutes. How many times does a tailor have to cut 100 yards of cloth to get 100 equal pieces? 99 times. You don’t cut the last piece, it is already there What side of the teacup is the handle on? I really don't know the answer Which is heavier? 1 pound of hay or 1pound of metal. Which is heavier? They both weigh a pound Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers, Peter piper picked. If Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peckers, how many peckers did Peter piper picked? How many Ps are there in THAT? None...H...A...T.....there are NO P's in the word THAT What has 100 eyes and cannot see? A potato Two Indians standing on a bridge. One is the father of the other ones son. What is the relation between the two Indians? Mother and Father What has NO legs and CAN run? Water

Your mama is sooo fat when she swam in the Atlantic Ocean for 2 minutes, Europe claimed her as a country.

There were these two boys, Chris and Joe, who boasted about their fathers’ achievements. One day, Chris told Joe,"Do you know about the Suez Canal" Joe,"Ya" Chris, “My father dug it" Joe, “That’s nothing! Do you know about the Dead Sea”? Chris,"Ya" Joe, “My Father Killed It!!"

A man walked into a crowded restaurant and caught the eye of a harried waiter. “ You know,” he said, “it’s been 10 years since I came in here.” “Don’t blame me,” the waiter snapped. “I’m working as fast as I can.”

While eating in an expensive restaurant, a patron overhead the gentleman at the next table ask the waitress t pack the leftovers for their dog. It was then that his young son exclaimed loudly, “Whoopee! We’re going to get a dog.”

Inflation is creeping up,” a young man said to his friend. “Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card – and it fit.”

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. “Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup – aren’t they foreign objects?” She is scrutinizing his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”

Two eggs were in a pot, being boiled. One said to the other, “it’s so hot in here I don’t think I can stand it much longer.” The other replied, “Don’t grumble. As soon as they get you out of here, they bash your head with a spoon.”

How many cups of coffee will this hold?” the man asked as he placed a large thermos on the lunchroom counter. “Six cups,” advised the waitress. “Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream."

The disgruntled diner summoned his waiter to the table, complaining, “My oyster stew doesn’t have any oysters in it.” “Well, if that bothers you, then you better skip dessert,” replied the waiter. “It’s anger food cake.”

Ours is a good restaurant, said the manager. “If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and” – “ I believe you,” said the customer. “I ordered a small steak”

Tom, Dick and Harry were traveling in the desert. Arriving at a small village they could find nowhere to sleep but a strange inn whose landlord, though willing to take them in for the night, would offer only a bed of fire, a bed of nails, and a bed of fleas. In the morning, they compared notes over breakfast. The bed of fire was awful,” said Tom. “Very uncomfortable. I didn’t sleep a wink, and I’m scorched all over.” “I had a bad night, too,” said Dick. “That bed of nails was dreadful. I’m covered with holes.” “I slept fine,” declared Harry. “My bed of fleas was no trouble at all. I just killed one flea and all the rest went to the funeral!”

Bob goes with his friend, a comedian, to a comedian's meeting. When they get there, one of the men stands up and shouts out "34!” and all the other comedians laugh hysterically. Bob turns to his friend and says "I don't get what was so funny!” and his friend explains to him that the Comedians' Guild has assigned each joke a number to make them easier to tell. All through dinner, the members of the Guild stand up and say numbers, and every time, everyone laughs, so Bob decides to give it a try. He stands up, and shouts out his favorite number: "54!" Dead silence. Bob turns to his friend and asks "What did I do wrong? When ever you do it, they laugh!" And his friend answered, "You didn't tell it well."

At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as he hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence."

During a training exercise, an army unit was late for afternoon inspection. “Where are those camouflage trucks?” the irate colonel barked. “They’re here somewhere,” replied the sergeant, “but we can’t find’em.”

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Q. Why aren't there very many Wal-Mart’s in Afghanistan? A. Because there are too many targets!

A lady sitting at home got a phone call. She answered it; a strange sounding man said, "This is the Viper. I am coming." the lady was frightened. 5 minutes later she got another phone call the same man replied" This is the Viper. I am almost there." The lady was terrified. Another 5 minutes later the phone range again. It was the same man. He said, " I am coming up now." The lady was so scared she called the police. Before the police got there, a man walked in the door with a bucket of water and a window wiper. The man said " I'm the Viper I vome to vipe your vindows!"

At a party the hostess served a guest a cup of punch and told him it was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. “I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips!” he shouted. Hearing this, the first man poured his punch back and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice!”

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, luv, how's about us going for a walk together?" "How dare you," retorted the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!" Well then," said the tramp, "what are you doing in my bed?"

A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put in reverse, and bang -right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang - right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn't contain herself, "Do you always park by ear?" she asked.

One day the son of the big chief comes to the Medicine man and says "Big Chief no fart!" So the Medicine man says give him one pill every 5 hours and come back to me in a week. The son comes back and says "Big Chief no fart!" So the Medicine man says "give him 2 pills every 3 hours come back to me tomorrow!" So the son comes back the next day and says” big chief no fart!" The Medicine man says "Really! Give him one bag of pills every hour come back to me tomorrow!!" The son comes back the next day and exclaims,” Big Fart.................No Chief!"

Q. What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? A. Don’t look now am changing!

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25. The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up. The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.