Jokes

A housewife answered the door bell to find two beggars outside. "So you're begging in two's now?" she asked. "No, only for today," one of them replied. "I'm showing my replacement the ropes before going on vacation."

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one... He's never gonna give you 'Up'!

Why do artists constantly feel cold? Because they’re surrounded by drafts.

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet ... nobody was ever married! Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara. In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!

Q: Why is there only one Yogi Bear? A: Because the second one was a Boo-Boo.

The Pink Panther's "To Do List": To do to do To do to do to do To do to doooooo...

I applied for a position as a magicians assistant, laying on the table as he cuts me in half with a giant saw. I figured it's a job I could really get in-two.

"Hi." "Hi." "Did you eat?" "Did you eat?" "Are you copying me?" "Are you copying me?" "I love you!" "Yea, I ate already."

Jeopardy answer: "Phew! I'm glad I got that off my chest!" Jeopardy question: What did the target of the carnival hatchet thrower say after an errant throw?

I went to a concert the other night... I didn't mind being so high up in the stands that I could barely make out the stage... But to add insult to injury, did the ushers really have to hand out tissues for nosebleeds?

Why did Frankie Avalon get fired from his moonlighting job as a high wire walker in the circus? Because he refused to perform without Annette.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying? A: Because he never-lands.

If Ivana Trump divorced Donald and then married musician Neil Diamond then she would be Ivana Diamond. If she then divorced Neil Diamond and then she married pro golfer Jack Nicklaus then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus. If she then divorced Jack Nicklaus and then she married former Mets pitcher Ron Darling then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them... 1.Bride relatives 2.groom relatives He entered the groom door and found two doors again. 1. Ladies 2. Men He entered men door and found two doors again. 1.People with gifts 2.People without gifts He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel.

Kanye West recently gave his wife, Kim Kardashian, a massive second diamond engagement ring. Kim said, “Wow, thank you so much.” While every married guy in America said, “Yeah, thanks A LOT Kanye!”

So what comes next, after the man bun? Why the 'He-hive' of course!

When, and if, Mick Jagger retires, he has expressed interest in building structures assembled with concrete and mortar... That would make him a Rolling Stonemason.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

My three hundred plus pound of a grandfather loves to do karaoke. One night he was really into some heavy metal rock and roll song, even doing an air guitar routine. Well, after he was done a young fellow came up to him and said, "You are a hip old dude!" My grandfather snapped back, "Who you callin' a hippo - dude?!?!"

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast!

The conductor of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra was having an issue with the percussion section. During rehearsals, it seems they were having a major problem keeping the proper beat, and the conductor was getting madder by the moment. "Uh oh," one of the drummers remarked. "I think he's ready to blow." "You're right," said the cymbal player. "It looks like we're in for a real tempo tantrum!"

A wannabe singer was auditioning for a part in a musical, in which she had to sing a song. She gave it her best shot and when she was done, asked the producer if she hit all the right notes. "You certainly did," the producer replied. "You packaged them quite conveniently around all the wrong ones."

Two cannibals are munching on singer/musician Al Yankovic... One says to the other, "Does this taste a little weird to you?"

A man got lost in his car during a snow storm. He remembered something he had read earlier: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked the man what he was doing. He explained that he had read somewhere that if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the mall parking lot, now you can follow me over to the ice rink."

A Lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?” “Really?” he says. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

Teacher: Did you hear about the actress who attacked her husband? Student: No, who was it? Teacher: Reese... Student: Witherspoon? Teacher: No, with her knife!

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat? And... Why did Ginger and Mary Ann have tons of clothes with them when they were supposed to be on a "three hour tour?"

The circus was in town and Stanislaus and Oleg were the featured act. While Oleg walked across the high wire without a net, Stanislaus would balance on Oleg's shoulders, all the while juggling 5 balls at once. A few minutes before they were to go on, Oleg called for the ringmaster. It seems Oleg had become deathly ill by eating some bad sushi and would have to cancel tonight's performance. "You'd better tell Stanislaus," Oleg said. Walking into Stanislaus' dressing room, the ringmaster got right to the point. "Stanislaus, I have some bad news. You won't be doing your act tonight." "Why not?" "You don't have Oleg to stand on!"