Jokes

While shopping in the produce department of the local grocery store, a demanding customer asked to have a watermelon cut in half. I told the lady that we don't normally do this. After being pushed for about five minutes, I took the melon to the backroom and said to my co-worker John, "I need this cut in half so this mean lady can buy it." I did not know that she had followed me to the backroom. I turned around and quickly said, "And this lady would like the other half!"

I heard on the news tonight that Vanna White is in a rehab center... She's hooked on phonics.

Why did the teddy bear skip lunch? Because he was stuffed!!

Why did the elevator go to the doctor? Because it was coming down with something.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. The bartender asks, "Do you mean a martini?” The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

A boy says to his friend, "Today my test results are out and my dad is at home. If I fail in one subject, text me saying ‘good morning to you’. If I fail in two, text me ‘Good morning to you and to your dad.’" His friend agreed. Minutes later the boy gets a text from his friend. “Good morning to you and to your family and to your neighbors also!"

Whenever you feel sad... It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH”!

Not everyone enjoys singing ensembles... It's an 'a-choir-ed' taste.

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch. After a long day at work, they are both just resting and relaxing as they watch a tv show. Husband: "I am feeling thirsty. Can you please get me some water?" Wife: "Shall I also get you some pizza as well?" Husband: "Oh wow! That‘d be great, my mouth is already watering." Wife: "Good, that means you don't need the water anymore then."

Q: What kind of dress can't be put on? A: An address.

Q: What kind of room has no windows or doors? A: A mushroom.

Q: What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A: A coat of paint.

Today had to be one of the most humiliating and worst days of my life! I just finished explaining to both my wife and boss why I'm in the hospital ER. You see, it had been over 40 years since I've jumped on the back of a moving horse. I really thought that it would come back to me as easily as jumping on a bicycle again, but instead, it turned out to be a HUGE MISTAKE! I mean, I just couldn't stop thinking about how I lost my balance and fell over backwards with my right foot still caught in the stirrup while getting dragged around violently and wondering if I was going to die. As the Doctor was putting in the very last stitch to the back of my head, he mentioned, "You are very lucky to be alive." "I know, Doc," I replied. "I also thanked God for the fast thinking on the part of the Merry-Go-Round Operator."

Q: What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks? A: Fire.

Instructor: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Student: What are the two things? Instructor: Your feet.

Q: What can you catch, but not throw? A: A cold.

Q: What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you? A: Water.

People can climb mountains, People can scuba dive, BUT THEY CAN'T MOVE THEIR THUMB TO TEXT ME BACK!

A boss bought a new BMW car. His employee congratulated and praised him. The boss said, “If you too would work hard, show sincerity, be punctual, don’t take leaves, work overtime, and meet deadlines then..." “Then what, sir?” asked the employee eagerly. “Then I can buy a car bigger than this!”

A public speaker could not believe his eyes when he saw just one man among the audience. Nevertheless, he decided to go ahead with his speech. He asked him the reason for coming attending his speech. The man replied, “It’s a hot day out there. The air conditioning is pretty good in here.”

Film Producer: I am going to make a movie. Can you suggest a 'heart-touching' title? Scriptwriter: I got it... Stethoscope!

Man: What, according to you, is Philosophy? Friend: Philosophy are the ideas that act as guides for the best ways to live. Man: So do you follow them? Friend: No. I want everyone else to follow.

A motivational speaker, while addressing his audience, talked about the various achievements man has made today. He said, "Today, man has built a ship to cross an ocean, fastest trains to travel across cities, and built planes to fly high in the skies like a bird..." A gentleman from the audience interrupted, "Any yet, a man still cannot sit on a barbed wire like a bird does!"

Mr. Sharma: ”When I die, love, I want to be cremated.” Mrs. Sharma: ”That is a good idea, dear. The gold in your teeth ought to pay all the expenses.”

A husband returned home drunk late night. His wife opened the door. He said, " Sorry honey. I couldn't stop finishing a bottle whose brand name was same as yours!" The next day the wife served breakfast. The man complained, "Oh honey, there's so much salt in this dish..." The wife replied, "Sorry honey. I couldn't stop myself adding more salt since the brand name was same as yours."

"If you put your hand in your right pocket and found 25 rupees, and put your hand in the left pocket and found 50 rupees, what would you do?" "I would immediately rush to my tailor and ask him to stitch more pockets on my trousers!"

A young boy was walking home after school when he saw a small puppy. He picked it up & touched it. Then he touched it again. He touched it once again, touched and touched and touched, and then he finished touching. Like I said in the beginning, A Very Touching Story.

John: Ants really work hard. They work and work and never play. Peter: Then how come every time I go for a picnic, THERE they are?

I do 10 sit-ups every morning... It may not sound like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button!

A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are great! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."