Jokes

Stand-Up Comedian: "You should have seen my show last night. It was standing room only." Stand-Up Comedian's Friend: "Oh yeah? You were that good?" Stand-Up Comedian: "That, and the fact that some thieves stole all the chairs out of the club the night before."

Pinkie Pinkerton lived in a pink one story house on Pink Street. The walls were pink, the roof was pink, the carpet was pink, the flowers were pink, the pictures were pink, the furniture was pink, the bathroom was pink, her stuff was pink, the yard was pink, even her cat was pink. EVERYTHING was pink. So what color were the stairs in Pinkie Pinkerton's house?

Two zombie students were on the way to their high school in Los Angeles when they spotted a white BMW with the actress Halle Berry stopped at a red light. Seizing the opportunity, they immediately rushed the car, dragged the startled Ms. Berry from the front seat, and ate her brain. Dragging the corpse behind them as they walked to school, they suddenly remembered that their school was having a contest to see who could best decorate the corridors of the school for Christmas. Sure enough, they won the contest. The name of their entry, "Deck the Halls with Bowels of Halle!"

How hot is it? The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Glenn and Scott are bungee jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the main square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up. This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?" Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."

When I went to the automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I said to the technician, "this side is open!" He replied, "I know. I already did that side."

If Jimmie cracked corn and no one cared, then why did they write a song about it?

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything. I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: * 12% Monday * 23% Tuesday * 40% Wednesday * 20% Thursday * 5% Friday FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station? It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW! To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it? Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. If women can have PMS, then why can't men have ESPN? The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE BELOW AVERAGE. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? If you run out of sick days, call in dead. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes." I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play. All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”

JAMES: Hi, cousin, I heard that you now work at the bakery? KEMI: Yes, yes! JAMES: Ah! And you haven't brought any bread yet? KEMI: Your sister works at the airport and you work at the mortuary, do either of you bring home your work?

My high school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription, “BE MINE.” The following day, I received a return valentine from the teacher. It read, “Thank you, but it’s still a BE MINE-US.”

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day!

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “which would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

I walk into a hotel and go to check in. The beautiful receptionist got me checked in and was all smiles. She even wrote down her phone number for me. The number was 0....

I woke up in the hotel this morning and the housekeeper was banging on the door, just banging away. Finally, I had to get up and let her out.

Three engineering firms were competitively bidding on Red-Sea tunnel project for the government of Egypt. The first engineer stands before the board and begins describing how he will accomplish the task. He says, "We will begin boring from both sides of the sea and join the tubes in the middle. Our plan has 10% margin of error for missing the center point but we have B-plan ready to rectify the error and finish the tunnel." Second engineer comes in and describes his plan. "We will begin boring on both ends and meet in the middle. Our calculations may have 5% margin of error and our plan B is ready to rectify and connect the tunnel if needed." Third engineer begins his presentation and says, "We will begin boring on both ends of the sea and meet in the middle. If successful, we'll connect the tubes and you'll have your tunnel. If we are not, then you'll have two tunnels."

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours, I will give you $5,000." The idiot replies, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now my turn, what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..." 

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. Then I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me." 

Dorothy and her dog KANSAS get caught up in a tornado. When they finally land, Kansas is broken into pieces. Dorothy declares, "Well Kansas, I guess we're not in toto anymore."

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

On a ship, the Project Managers of three different companies belonging to three different nations were traveling with their trainee engineers. They started an argument on whose trainee engineers had more guts. The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take a swim around the moving ship. The trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted and said, “See the guts!” Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to swim two laps around the moving ship. The trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, “See the guts!” Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to swim five laps around the ship. The trainee promptly replied, ”Why the heck should I?” The Indian PM proudly said, “See the guts!”

Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked Sardar why he kept painting less each day? He replied, “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

Why do celebrities smile during lightning storms? They think their pictures being taken!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.  

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Sardar says, “I want my $20 million.” The man replied, “No, Sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 days.” Sardar said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.” Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 days. Sardar furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! if you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my 1 dollar back!”