Jokes

She: Will you still love me when my hair is white? He: I suppose so. I've loved you through four colors already.

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks. "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" "When the baby cries." "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about. I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. And arch supports I need for my feet, Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right. My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up. And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf? The reason I know my youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went! But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been. I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed. The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old. It is better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in.

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa, caught off-guard, looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why not?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Well Johnny, because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

A elderly lady, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, that's okay, I’ll just look the other way,” she said. The bartender then showed the elderly lady to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give her a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

An elderly married couple enters a restaurant for dinner and orders some food. As the waiter serves the food on their table, the husband starts eating while the wife just looks at her platter. Astonished by this rather unusual scene, a young man sitting besides goes over to their table and courteously asks the lady as to why is she only staring at but not eating her food, The women agreeably replies, "Well son, we have only one set of dentures and today it's his turn first."

If you send a birthday card to your grandkids, don’t write in cursive... ... Or you’ll get a text asking you to decode it.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust". I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers! I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

My aging father who definitely qualifies as your stereo typical “grumpy old man” hasn’t adjusted well to technology. Mistakenly I taught him how to send text messages. After a week of pure mayhem and upsetting most every family member, he blames “auto correct” for putting words in his mouth. Apparently he doesn’t seem to understand that auto correct won’t fix an entire paragraph.

I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home... before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid, etc. I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because... I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care... I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians ... I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy... and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies! I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory... I'm walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less. I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins. I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the storeroom. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!! Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the widow replied. "What stopped him?" "I started talking about my next husband."

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?" Abe says, "I don't care." A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?" Abe says, "Your choice." A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?" Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."

Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth."

Reporter interviewing a 105-year-old lady...."What is the best thing about being 105?" the reporter asked.The old lady replied, "No peer pressure."

An Elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.' On their way back home , a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: fifty-thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back," Sally said, "Finders keepers." So she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here...."

A sign that you are young... you drop a lot of things. A sign that you are old... you drop a lot of things.

There's this old lady at a supermarket. She goes to the produce section. She's rummaging around for a while. Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her. Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am? Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli. Produce Manager: We're out of broccoli at the moment. The old lady starts rummaging again. Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am? Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli. Produce Manager: I just told you that we don't have any at the moment. The old lady begins rummaging again. Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am? Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli. Produce Manager: Is there straw in strawberry? Old Lady: Yes. Produce Manager: Is there van in vanilla? Old Lady: Yes. Produce Manager: Is there freak in broccoli? Old Lady: There's no freak in broccoli! Produce Manager: That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern. “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Next, try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Did you ever hear of a Jewish Wine? "I wanna go to Florida!!!"

I asked my grandma what health problems ran in our family, for a school project. She said she couldn't really think of any. "So you've been pretty healthy all your life?" I asked. "Yep." she replied contentedly. "So you've never been bed ridden?" I went on. "Lord yes, hundreds of times, and once in a buggy!"

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

A woman visited a modern-art gallery. One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches. The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand you paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied. "I see," the woman replied innocently. "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?" His son replied, "$30 each." Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $30 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $130 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $30. There's $130 under my pillow!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

Mable and Faye are sitting in their retirement home discussing the little old men who lived there. Mable says, “I sure am lonely since my husband died…I wish I had a boyfriend, but am not sure how to catch the attention of the geezers around here”. Faye says, “These gentlemen are lonely also, and many haven’t had any romance in their lives for decades. I bet if they thought they could get a kiss you’d have their attention”. So Mable starts walking the halls, and comes to the first room and knocks. A little old man answers, and she says “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” but he replies, “No thanks” and shuts the door. She doesn't get discouraged, and heads to the next room. “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” but again, this man is not interested. This continues for several attempts, and when she finally gets to the room at the end of the hall again she knocks. A little old man answers the door. “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” she asks. He replies, “I don’t want a kiss, but I’ll take the soup”.