Jokes

(Grandson) Grandpa, I think the 'Y generation' has modern views and a forward thinking way more ahead of the life view of your day. (Grandfather) I appreciate and respect your thoughts but I disagree and can back up my claim with facts. (Grandson) Sounds fair grandpa, please state your case. (Grandfather) First off, one question, did you take the ice bucket challenge? (Grandson, proudly answers) Yes, in fact I did! (Grandfather) I rest my case.

(Grand Kids) Hey grandpa, I thought we were going camping! This is a three star hotel! (Grand Mother responds) Trust me kids, anything under four stars feels like camping.

(Grandpa) No one seems to know the value of a dollar these days! (Grandson) That’s easy Grandpa, just look at the dollar menu.

As you get older a person needs to make certain adjustments... Things like never keep the chili powder next to the cinnamon.

I woke up this morning with a string tied around my finger and I haven’t a clue why I put it there... I better check my notes, it might be something important! Now if I could just remember where I put my notes...

Now that I'm getting older I wonder how I can still contribute to society even after I’m gone... In checking my options it looks like I’ll still be able to donate by body to science, science fiction that is.

Two elderly ladies were discussing their "elderly" issues. "You're in the grocery store, Ethel," Gladys begins, "and the urge suddenly comes upon you. You go into the woman's bathroom, and the only stall is filthy, a total mess. You go to the family bathroom, and find the door is locked. What do you do?" Ethel thinks for a minute, then replies, "Depends."

Now that I’m older I've realized the value of learning something new each day. I just wish I could remember it!

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week... Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

What's the difference between kids and grandkids? If I play Ghost Riders with my guitar but sing the lyrics from the Gilligan's Island theme song, my grand kids would love it! My kids, however, would want to take away my driver's licence!

I ask my 85 year old grandpa to what he attributes his long life. His answer... BREATHING!

"I think grandpa mistook his smart phone for an empty glass of wine." "Why do you say that?" "He just threw it in the fireplace."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light." A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four? They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

You know you're getting old, when walk past a cemetery and two guys begin running after you with shovels.

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing... it was the darndest thing," she kept repeating dazedly. "What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers. "I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole house suddenly drained away."

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. "Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted." "Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

Three Elderly Sisters live in a huge two story house. Martha is upstairs and is going to take a bath. She yells down and asks, "Dorthy, was I getting in the tub or out?" Dorthy replies, "You were getting in the tub!" The second old lady walks up to the foyer stairway and stops. She looks up and then she says, "Dorthy, was I going upstairs or just coming down?" Dorthy replies, "Mary, you were going up stair!" After a slight pause, Dorthy continues, "God Help me." She then knocks on the table twice with her fist and then says, "Was that the front door or back?"

Moe asked old Joe, "Joe, have your ever wondered about the hereafter?" "Yes, I have wondered about the hereafter. Every time I go into my kitchen, I wonder what I'm here after?"

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks! I only have one thing to say about that nonsense! I completely....completely...er...ah...just a minute...wait I have it now. Old dogs never miss a trick and don't you forget it!

This new technology is for the birds! I sure do miss those good old reliable manual typewriters that didn’t make nearly as many typing mistakes!

My Granddaughter bought me one of those fancy do everything cell phones for my birthday. She said she'd come over on the weekend and show me how to use it. The bad thing is I spilled some water on it and feeling horrible I called her up and told her what happened. She told me take out the battery, take out that card thingy dingy and put the phone in rice and leave it sealed in Tupperware over night. I told her I'd call her back the minute I did all of that. When I called her back she asked what took to long. I told her that I do things the old fashioned way, I don't use that minute rice stuff and it took me twenty five minutes to cook the rice. She asked if I had submerged it in the rice yet and I told her that I had. She paused for a moment and said, the rice trick doesn't always work. I'm sure it's going to work fine, I call her tomorrow after I get all of that sticky rice off of it tell her the good news.

Mable your granny made the most perfect pie crust. Every line along the crust was equal and just perfect. How did she ever do it? Well Alice, all I know for sure is when she made the final touches around the edge of her pie crust she took her teeth out to make the edge even.

An older couple is watching TV and the man kept changing the channel by mistake. His wife said, "Honey, you need to spend less time on social media. You do know TV doesn’t have a like button right?"

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"

On my birthday I got a really funny card. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as shacks." I wanted to thank the person who sent it, but I can't. They forgot to sign the card.

Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, were all excited about their decision to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed by a drugstore. Jacob suggested that they go in. Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answered: "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases." Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works." Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?" Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

I'll never forget the excitement when Grandpa shaved off his beard... ... and we found out it was Grandma.

My father, a retired factory worker, keeps reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" of his younger years. Then without skipping a beat, he'll say something like, "but it really isn't so bad nowadays." Then he goes right back to how nice he had it as a teenager back in the 60's. Then, right away it's back to the present, with "but technology today makes everything so much easier." It's back and forth, back and forth from the present to the past, past to the present. "You know dad," I finally told him, "you're nothing but a baby boomerang!"