Jokes

An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts. Driver: "Why don't you eat them yourself?" Old Lady: "I can't chew look I have no teeth." Driver: "Then why do you buy them?" Old lady: "I just love the chocolates around them."

My Grandma's sense of humor has always been her strongest attribute. She was mugged a few years ago, unfortunately. As the young punk held her up and demanded all her money, she said, "I don't have any money." "I don't believe you! I'm gonna search you! " he sneered. So he started patting her down all over really well. "I guess you don't have any money..." he said disappointed. "I told you," my Grandma replied. "But if you do that again, I'll write you a check!"

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.” My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.” My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.” “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.” The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”. Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old bugger had a newspaper route!”

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.

Two old guys were chatting... One said to the other, "My 85th birthday was yesterday.The wife gave me an SUV." Other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" First guy, "Yup... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

A woman on the phone to her friend... I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising! I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet."

Memory Class: An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor? " asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose? " asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

For her 87th birthday Ruth who was not acquainted with modern technology, was given a new cell phone by her son. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Management of the Retirement Village having an open day could not work out why visitors were stopping near the front gate and then driving away. None stopped to visit. Finally the General Manager went to investigate and found the gardener had left a sign beside the gate which said "FOR SALE -OLD SLEEPERS".

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the eighty-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty-year-old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6 AM. I usually pee like a racehorse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy-year-old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?" To which the eighty-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

An elderly couple living in Florida had not seen their son and daughter for quite a while. The mom called the daughter living in New York and told her that mom and pop were going to get a divorce right after Christmas because they couldn't get along after 35 years of marriage The daughter called her brother in New Jersey with the news and the brother then called his dad saying do not do anything sis and I will be up to talk to you before Christmas. After hanging up the old man yelled out to his wife. "Great news the kids are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."

I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, I bumped into an old friend of mine, Rob, from high school. “You look great Rob, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be at least 65 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” I exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Rob. “That’s incredible,” I said, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked Rob. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Rob. “Whoa! Well, how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked Rob. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!" “Getting married?!” I asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! Rob looked at me, smiled, and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

An elderly man just finished his annual physical, when the doctor came in grinning from ear-to-ear. "Fred, we did a full workup - heart, lungs, credit score, investments and guess what? You can afford to live another 15 years."

I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. -She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

An old man was LYING IN HIS DEATH bed upstairs. His favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath he was sure he could smell freshly-backed chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shacking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DONT TOUCH THOSE - THEY' RE FOR THE FUNERAL!!!"

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memories just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

An Old man sits on a park bench crying when a passer by stops to give the man some comfort. Looking at the old man he says “you look familiar, wait you are that lottery winner who won over a hundred million” “Yes that me “replied the old man. “But you own a yacht and a massive house and didn’t you marry that nymphomaniac blond starlet” he asks. “Yes that’s all true” said the old man. “So why are you crying” he asks. “Because I have forgotten where I live!”

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband - "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

A young man walks up to a park bench where an elderly gentleman is quietly weeping asks if he is OK. The old guy says, "yes, I am great"! I am in love with a beautiful 25 year old model who adores me. She cooks all my meals and we make sweet love nearly everyday". The young man asks, "So why are YOU crying"? The old guy says, "I can't remember where I live...."

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

“I think the Johnson’s are suffering from age related stress,” a woman said of her neighbors. “What do mean?” asked her husband. “He won’t act his age, and she won’t admit hers.”

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil. “Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." “What happened?” asked Phil. "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.” “How about you?” “Me? Well, I accompanied her on the piano!”

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."