Jokes

Grandma left the stove on and the pan was burnt. I asked her if she had a timer she can use, as to not forget in the future "NO! Don't you dare go there! I don't have that," she said, shaking her fist at me. "No, no, Grandma, I said 'A timer'!"

Two elderly women had been friends for over forty years. Each one was losing their hearing. Minnie asked, "Are you going to be home today?" "Yes, as far as I know," replied her friend, Adie. "Good I have a gift for you." "Esther Price?" Adie asked. Knowing Minnie loved Esther Price candy, she assumed the gift was candy. As the day wore on, Minnie finally arrived with a book on Smoothies. Adie was confused. "I didn't know Esther Price sold books?" "They don't." "But this morning you said they did." "Oh, I thought you said, 'That's nice.'"

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle. The man said to his wife, "He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that." His wife replied, "No, that's definitely old time rheumatism." They couldn't agree so the man decided to ask the old man. He walked over to him and said, "Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?" The old man said, "The three of us were wrong." "Three of us were wrong? How so?" asked the man. To which the old man replied, "You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas."

A security patrol officer in a senior gated community stopped an elderly gentleman in a speeding golf cart. "Sir, do you know your wife fell out of your golf cart when you hit that last speed bump?" "Oh, that is wonderful officer", replied. "I am so relieved." "Didn't you hear me? Your wife fell out of the cart!" the officer said in astonishment. "You don't understand, I could not hear a thing for the last ten minutes... I thought I had gone deaf."

'Old' is when... ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...a pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. ... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. The man asked the woman, "What will you do if die?" After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then she inquired, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing."

An elegant older lady is ushered into the most prestigious party at the country club. This is the first time out making an appearance since the wedding. Her new husband just happens to be the founder & president of the club. When she came into view, there was a low hum among the other women as they gathered round full of questions, especially about the HUGE diamond on her finger. The madame tried to be nice about it all but was getting a little annoyed with all the busy bodies. She told them that the diamond was the Cloppman Diamond and it came with a curse. Now the hum was getting louder as they wanted to know what the curse was. She responded, matter of factly, "Mr. Cloppman!"

If you're becoming forgetful, I have a tip for you. Date the notes you write to yourself. I just spent the entire morning looking for Easter eggs.

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party. "My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?" "They are," replied the second woman. "Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman. The second responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

Two elderly men were sitting on a park bench when one said to the other man, "Are you comfortable?" The other man replied, "I'm okay, I make a living."

I do not trip over things... I just perform random gravity checks!

I do not have gray hair... I have wisdom highlights!

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!" A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"

Just to clear this matter up once and for all. It's assumed that when a person get older their mental processes begin to slow down. Now that I'm older I'm hear to say this assumption has absolutely no merit, my "brame" works just fine!

I can learn something new everyday... Of course I also forget five other things!

I hate it when I see an OLD person and then realize we went to school together.

I thought growing old GROWING OLD would take longer!

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over... Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

My grandpa recently told me that my generation was too reliant on technology. "No, grandpa, your generation is too reliant on technology,'' I retorted as I unplugged him from life-support.

You know you're old when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you see is your teeth smiling at you while in a glass on you're bedside night table.

(Grandpa) "Honey did you know that kids these days don't put their tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy? What they do is take a digital image and upload it to the toothfairy website they then get paid in bit coins." (Grandma) "Dear, you've been talking to your grandson again and he's pulling your leg." (Grandpa) "Billy, why would you make up a story about the tooth fairy?" (Grandson) "Let me get this straight... you make up a story about a fictitious character, you then tell it to my parents who perpetuate the hoax. I decided to elaborate on it and you're calling me out!"

It's strange to think 75 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.

Now that I'm older and life has slowed down I've had time to take a closer look at things. I've found so much humor in everyday things, so much so that I'll sometimes burst out in uncontrollable laughter and hysterics. The local gang members must really like humor and seem to respect my new outlook on life. So much so that they always give me a wide birth even after dark.

Took my 72 year old father to have his eyes checked. That's when we realized his eyes were just fine. He was ask to read the characters on the bottom line. His reply: M-A-D-E- I-N- C-H-I-N-A

A senior couple pulls up to a rest stop to get something to eat. Waiter: "How may I help you?" Elderly Man: "Two hamburgers, please." Elderly Lady: "What did he say?" Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him 'Two hamburgers'!" Waiter: "So, where are you heading?" Elderly Man: "To Chicago to see our grandchildren." Elderly Lady: "What did he say?" Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the grandkids!" Waiter: "It sure is a nice day for a drive." Elderly Man: "Yes, it's been quite pleasant." Elderly Lady: "What did he say?" Elderly Man [yelling]: "He said it's good weather!" Waiter: "Where are you coming from?" Elderly Man: "We started our trip from Pittsburgh." Elderly Lady: "What did he say?" Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh!" Waiter: "I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and couldn't cook if her life depended on it." Elderly Lady: "What did he say?" Elderly Man [yelling]: "He says he knows you!"

(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own 'Command Center'! (Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me! (Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone! (Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

I was watching the Super Bowl with my ninety two year old grandfather. One team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one... I was gonna tell him, but the game he was watching was better.

(Son) Mom who is FDR? (Mom) I see you’ve been talking with your great grandfather again. FDR was commander in chief when your great grandfather was young. (Son) Which tribe?