Jokes

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. "Hardback?" the assistant asked. "Yes," I replied, “with little heads too.”

A couple moved to the country after retirement. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought a sub-sonic mouse repellent, a plug-in type that emits some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent. He told her that it worked on everything from mice to elephants. "Really!?" she said. "Mice to elephants, eh?" sounding a bit skeptical. "Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now, and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"

There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. He gets a recommendation for a great dog trainer and decides to go there. The dog owner walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog?" The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a quick demonstration of how I work." He dumps a box full of bones on the floor and blows a whistle. A dog comes in and makes a skeleton with the bones. "Wow!" says the dog owner, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," responds the trainer. Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building. The dog owner says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" "That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer. Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes all the bones and runs away. "What kind of dog is that?" says the dog owner. "That's a lawyer's dog."

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

A guy brings a dog to a bar and says he’s the smartest dog in the world. Guy asks him: Name a character from West Side Story? Dog: Riff Riff! Guy asks him: What covers a building or a house? Dog: Roof Roof! Guy asks him: Who’s the best baseball player ever? Dog: Ruth Ruth! Bartender kicks them both out of the bar. Dog: What went wrong? Should I have said Cy Young?

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"? "I'm out of gas." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank" The bee answered, "BP."

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver dropped his client at a mall before he filled up the tank. The cat remained in the car, laying down on top of the limousine's back seat. The service station's attendant glanced at the unusual passenger. Finally, he asked, "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

My dog had a bad case of fleas. So I brought him to the vet. The doctor told me, “I’m going to have to put him down." I said, “What? Just because he’s got fleas?” “No,” the doctor said, “because he’s so heavy.”

Did you realize that Alligators can grow up to 20 feet? But most grow 4.

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. Regards, Your Owner

A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

The man selling two-dollar tickets at Monmouth Racetrack registered complete surprise when a horse stepped up to the window, and asked to bet on himself. "What's the matter?" snorted the horse. "Are you astonished that I can talk?" "Not at all," said the man. "I'm surprised that you think you can win."

Three ants find an elephant asleep. First ant says, "Let's get him!" Second one says, "Let's beat him up!" Finally the third ant says, "Leave him alone... it's not fair. Poor guy is all alone and we are three!"

A young man was a very slow worker and subsequently found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked. "I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whoosh, they were gone!"

What do you get when you cross a bird with a zero? A flying none.

People are always asking me if I’m a cat person or a dog person... As if penguins didn’t even exist!

What is it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money? The prawn broker.

Why shouldn't you play basketball with a pig? Because it'll hog the ball!

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and...(pause)...... cola." "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles... He kept leaving little messages around the house.

Compare a complex sentence to a cat... Cats have claws at end of paws. Complex sentence has a pause at the end of a clause.

A not so bright young lady in the pet shop ask about buying a gold fish. The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium. Her reply was, "I don't care what sign it is."

How do fleas travel? They itch-hike. What insect stays healthy all the time? Vitamin Bee. What do bugs use to add things in school? Moth-matics. What do you call an insect that smells nice? A deodor-ant.

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!" "Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."

Three mice are sitting at a table in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

Why did the tree think the dog was talking to it? It kept hearing, "Bark, Bark, Bark!"

What does a dog say before dinner? BONE APPETITE!

What is a lamb? An animal that grows more 'sheepish' with age.