Jokes

A flea jumped into a restaurant, nibbled on a pizza and jumped out again. He picked himself up from the dirt, dusted himself down and said, "OK, who moved my dog?"

How do you feel if you see a sheepdog with a melon? "Melon-collie."

What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.

What type of dog does not bark? A "hush" puppy.

What is the the difference in counting cattle vs sheep? Counting cattle does not put you to sleep!

What does an educated owl say? Whom... Whom...

What does a dalmatian say when scratching an itch? "Ah, that's the spot!"

There are bats hanging off a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment, "What's happened to this one?" "I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted."

How does a dog stop a TV show? He presses PAWS.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because then the children have to play inside.

What do cows wear when they are vacationing in Hawaii? Muu-muu dresses...

Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.

Why do humming birds hum? Because they forgot the words.

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied!

Did you hear about the turtle being shot at in the army? He was SHELL shocked!

What do kittens use to groom themselves? Cat-A-Combs!

What is a frog's favorite year? A leap year!

What’s a fish’s worst day of the week? Fry-day!

How is a cat like a coin? It has a head on one side and a tail on the other!

Did you ever wonder... Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

What happened when dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "Okay," said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

What dog says “meow”? A police dog working undercover.

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? "Thank you, I'll just have a slither."

When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."

What did the magician say when he made the rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow!

Why did the spider cross the road? Because it wanted to go to his web-site.

Two cowboy friends, Wally and Dallas, each bought a horse one summer. They enjoyed riding and doing the things that cowboys do. When winter came, they did not want to pay to have their horses stabled. Instead, they decided to release them in a pasture and get them in the spring. Wally noticed a problem, and asked Dallas, "How will we know which horse is which?" Dallas answered, "I've been thinking, and I have the answer! We'll cut the mane off of my horse and cut the tail off of yours. That way, we'll know which horse belongs who." That seemed like a great plan, and so the horses were released into the pasture. When spring came, Wally and Dallas came to get their horses, only to discover that the mane and tail had grown back during the winter. "Dallas, since the mane and tail have grown back, how do we know which is yours and which is mine?" Wally asked. Dallas responded, "Well, I guess you'll have to take the black one and I'll take the white one."

A man had trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept saying chickens were noble creatures, and they had the right to go where they wanted. The man had no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds. He tried everything. Two weeks later, a visiting friend noticed the flower beds were doing great! They were blooming and beautiful. So the friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"  His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"