Jokes

Two cows were looking over a gate. One said to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow looked over and replied, "Why should I care, I'm a helicopter..."

Two chickens were at a crossroad. One road led to KFC and the other one led to Popeyes. The two chickens decided to part ways. The chicken that went to KFC was killed immediately. The chicken that went to Popeyes was left alone. He forgot to bring his own bun.

There’s literally no way... To know how many chameleons are in your house.

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

Last week a friend and I decided to take a day off and go to the race track. I bet on a horse at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs!" "Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment!"

What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play? A cat.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a daisy? A collie flower.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.

What might you call a small, puny chicken? Paltry!

My neighbor called and invited me over to see his new aardvark. When I arrived he ask if I would like to play with him? The aardvark was growling loudly and does not seem very friendly so I ask, "Does it bite?" My neighbor replied, "That's what I want to find out..."

A groundhog wonders if he’s cursed, having been reincarnated as the same animal, again and again. Standing on a cliff looming over an unforeseeably deep body of water, he waves goodbye to his friends, warning, “You may not recognize me in the next life.” He jumps off the edge, plunging down into the watery grave, once again being reborn as the same groundhog. “Unbelievable!” says one groundhog to another, both watching in dismay, “He’s gone over that waterfall, into the fountain, been sucked up through the circulation tube, and shot back out where he started, I don’t know how many times.”

In the zoo, a giraffe, talking to a buffalo says, “Yeah, I know. They can totally get out but they choose to hang around.” A seal says a walrus, “That’s right. I’ve seen the big hairy one crawling under the bushes outside the gate.” A woodchuck says to a prairie dog, “I saw it chew up all the grass. I think we might be related somehow. Maybe cousins.” Opposite the animals, eating their lunch, one landscaper says to the other, “I wonder if they talk to each other?”

A gorilla walks into a bar and, to the amazement of the bartender, orders a martini. When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he is further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill. The bartender takes the $20 bill, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence. "We don't get too many apes in here," he says. The gorilla replies, "At $19 a drink, I'm not surprised."

Me: I taught my dog to play chess. Friend: He must be very smart? Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!

A friend of mine went on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant. It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it and the elephant happily trots away. Twenty years later we were in London on business and were watching a circus procession pass by. When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and lift him into the air and smashes him into the ground. It was a different elephant.

“Sir, you cannot fish here!” “Don’t worry, I’m not fishing. I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog. "I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home." The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?" The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!"

Two dog owners were boasting about the intelligence of their pets. “The smartest dog I ever had,” said one, “was an amazing Afghan hound that could play cards. He was amazing at poker, he could beat anyone, even professionals. But I had to have him put down.” “You had him put to sleep?” said the other. “You must be crazy. A bright dog like that could be worth a million dollars.” “I had no choice. I caught him using marked cards.”

One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep." Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, the Vet gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said, "Be strong, friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!" On the second day, the doc again gave him the medicine and left. The goat came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..." The poor horse wouldn't get up. On the third day, the Vet gave one look at the horse and said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses." After they left, the goat approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on...... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!" All of a sudden, the owner came back to the farm, saw the horse running on the field. Not aware of the goats role in this he began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a Grand celebration... LET'S COOK THE GOAT!"

Two boys walking along the fence passing the graveyard heard voices. The voices said, "One for me, One for you." The boys who were truly petrified thinking that the voices were ghouls stealing bodies tried to walk slowly passed and not make any noise. All of a sudden one of the voices said, "Now lets get those two nuts by the fence & we will be done!" The boys screamed and ran away as fast as they could. Just then one of the two squirrels looked at the other and asked, "I wonder what was wrong with them?"

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home. As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lying here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

Did you hear about the dog that ate nothing but garlic? His bark was much worse than his bite.

“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year-old son. “Bob,” he said. “And your cat?” “Bob.” “How do you keep them straight?” “Well one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered. “Tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested. The kid smiled and said, “Dennis Hopper.

A woman walked past a pet store and looked in and saw a parrot. The parrot said, “Hey lady, you sure are ugly.” The lady was so upset that she ran inside and told the owner, “If your parrot says that about me again I will tell everyone I know that you are training your parrots to say mean things.” The owner replied, “I promise you ma'am, my bird will never say those words to you again.” The next day the lady came into the pet store and the parrot looked at the lady and said, “Hey lady, you know!”

What did one skunk say to the other skunk under the church building? "Let us spray..."

A man is applying for a job in a circus. The interviewer asks: "So what can you do?" "I can do a really good bird impression" replied the man "Oh we already have people who do that here, we won't be needing you for that" "Oh well," the man said sadly and flew away.

I don't know why most people think a dog's life is so easy. Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went. He always says, "Rough!"