Jokes

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc. Suddenly, she interrupted him "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing. "Oh, quite well. We expect he'll be released in the morning." "Very good, thank you." "May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse. "This IS Mr. Norton. The doctors don't tell me anything!"

Patient comes to the doctor.Doctor: So, what concerns you? Patient: Dr, everyone ignores me! Doctor: Next!Lol!!

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?

Patient (to Doctor), " I forget whatever I have said a minute ago". Doctor: "Since when are you suffering from this problem?' Patient: "What problem?'

You know your doctor is too old when you look at the framed diploma on his wall and realize his Hippocratic oath was signed by Hippocrates!

A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students. “This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.” He pointed to a student. “You…what would you do in this case?” “Well, gee!” said student. I guess I’d limp, too.”

I’m worried about your heart murmur,” the doc told Jack. “I’ve always had a heart murmur,” Jack protested. “Yeah,” replied the doc, “but now the murmur has started humming.” “That doesn’t sound good!” Jack was getting worried now. “It’s worse than you think,” the doc said. “It’s humming ‘Nearer My God to Thee.’”

A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients, who was vacationing in Spain. “I’m having a great time! Wish you were here to tell me why.”

A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. “Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said. “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said. “Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?” The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”

A famous doctor was being interviewed the news media. Looking to spice things up a little, one reporter asked if the doctor had ever made any serious mistakes. “Well, yes,” the doctor sighed. “I once cured a multimillionaire.” “How was that a mistake? The reporter asked. The doctor shook his head wearily. “I did it in one visit!”

" Doctor, I get this overpowering urge to sing 'Delilah'. Then I get this urge to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home" " Hmmm, you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome." " I've never heard of that doctor. Is it a rare complaint?" "It's not unusual"

A man visited the doctor. " Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time. "Please undress so I can examine you, " said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end. "My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!" yelled the man. The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.

" Doctor I keep stealing things" " Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."

A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash. The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on. He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said "My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied. " What do you call it?" Said the cannibal. " Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead. The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying, "I am not sure that is a duck." The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying, “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck." The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

I have this big problem, doctor – everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs … - That’s stupid, in my opinion – frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ... - Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection!

A brain surgeon told a patient “you have a growing mass in your brain, it needs to be tended to immediately or it will kill you" The patient agreed to surgery the very next day. Immediately after opening the skull the surgeon took a biopsy of the ugly growing mass and gave it to the surgical nurse with instructions to rush it to the lab and have it analyzed. After a few minutes the nurse returned with the results and stood silently and grimly in front of the surgeon…. The surgeon finally asked…."WELL IS IT MALIGNANT?" The nurse replied…" I'm afraid it’s worse" …" WORSE", the surgeon barked, "WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN MALIGNANT?" The nurse bowed her head and replied solemnly, "it's Liberal Progressive"…!!!

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t budge." The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting." But tell me what does the sign on the door say? The guy replies, “It says 'Pull'”!!!

A man goes to an optician asking for help about his shortsightedness. The optician invites the man to go outside the shop, points to the sun and asks the man what that is. The man somewhat stunned replies obviously: that’s the sun! Thereafter the optician asks: but how far do you want to see?

At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients. He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front"

Peter says. Doctor, I see double! Sit on the chair please the doctor says. Which one? Peter replied.

While walking to the ninth hole, one psychiatrist said to his colleague, would you believe that yesterday I had a patient who claimed he heard music every time he put on his hat?” “Really? What did you do?” The psychiatrist answered, “I took it away and removed the band.”

Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”

After the examination the physician handed the patient a prescription and said, “Take this medicine after each meal.” “But, Doc,” confessed the patient, “I have not eaten in four days.” “Fine,” said the doctor. “The medicine will last longer.”

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted. “No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”

The man lay on the couch telling his psychiatrist a sad tale. “I see my brother, Doctor,” he said. “He is walking down a long corridor, walking up fifteen steps in the green door. There are lots of people standing around. They’re bandaging his eyes – ooh – Doctor, Doctor what does it mean?” “Well,” said the psychiatrist, “if they ain’t playing blind man’s bluff he’s in real trouble.

A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied," Perhaps you're not eating right."

A noted heart surgeon was having a formal party. Shortly before the guests were to begin arriving he was told that all the bathrooms were backed up and not flushing. Quickly he called a 24 hour plumber listed in the phone book. The plumber arrived quickly and within 15 minutes told the surgeon that all was well. He gave his bill to the heart surgeon and the surgeon exclaimed, "$900! You were only here 15 minutes! I'm a heart surgeon and even I can't charge that much"! The plumber quietly replied, “Neither could I when I was a heart surgeon".