Jokes

Doctor my son swallowed my pen, what do I do? Use a pencil until I get there.

Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu. Didn't I see you yesterday?

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla. "I have the solution for you," replied the doctor. "Really, what is it?" “Well, try getting up half an hour later."

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "Oops!"

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning. Mr. Smith: I should be, I’ve been practicing all night.

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?” “Ever since I was a kid.”

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal. Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper. Doctor: To make your will? Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live". The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage. He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!" The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24." The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to come to my party last night,” she said. “You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there.” “Your party has done me good,” he said. “I’ve just seen five of your dinner guests.”

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing. A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything. A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.

A man who had come out of a complicated abdominal surgery was complaining of having a bump on his head and a terrible headache. The nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operative shock, spoke to the surgeon about it. The doctor assured the nurse, “don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”

After the doctor gives the patient his diagnosis, the patient says; “Can I have a second opinion? The doctor says; “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”

How does a doctor commit suicide? He jumps down from his ego to his IQ.

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”

Betty's psychiatrist convinced her that she had 120 different personalities. Then billed her insurance company for Group therapy!

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

A recently hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, “Malaria! Chicken pox! Polio!” the nurse asked another nurse, “why is he going on like that?” The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”

A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed. After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied. “Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”

Patient: Oh, doctor, I have terrible troubles. I do hope that you can help me Psychiatrist: Now calm down. Just lie down on the couch and tell me all about your troubles. Patient: Well, doctor, I have a duplex penthouse apartment in New York and a summer house on the beach at the Hampton. I drive a Rolls-Royce, and my wife drives a Jaguar. My two boys go to the best private school in the city. We belong to three very swanky clubs, and every year I manage to spend a month in Europe. Psychiatrist: These things are very wonderful, but let’s get down to your basic problem. Patient: I was just getting to it, doctor. You see, I only make $100 a week!

Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school. One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made." The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do." The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor. "Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."

A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor who was examining him. "Chain saw accident," the man replied. "Well, you're lucky," the doctor said; "I've seen worse." "It wasn't turned on," the man replied.

A doctor taking care of his last appointment of the day gives this man a thorough exam and finds him in optimal health. As the man is going out the door, he had a heart attack and died. The doctor looks at the man and tells the nurse, “help me turn him around to it looks like he was just coming in.”

Patient: Doctor, doctor I have only 58 seconds to live!!!!!! Doctor: I’ll be with you in a minute

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is. About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?” The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"

"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!" "Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."

A young guy was feeling ill, so he asked a friend to recommend an internist. “I know a great one,” his friend said, “but he’s very expensive. He charges $400 for the first visit and $100 for each visit after that.” The guy went to see the doctor. Trying to save money, he greeted the doctor when he entered the exam room with an animated “I’m back!” The doctor proceeded with the examination. “Very good,” he said when he was finished. “Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time.”

A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. “I hurt,” the man said. “You don’t know how it feels.” “I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.” “Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”