Jokes

This poor man is facing surgery on both his feet because of severe wounds. The doctor has warned him that he cannot tell how bad the damage is until he gets him in the operating room and he has prepared the man for the worst. After surgery, the man is slowly waking up and he sees the surgeon approaching his bed. The doc looks at him and says, "I have good news news and I have bad news - which would you like first?" The man nervously responds, "Give me the bad news first." The doc says, "I had to take both your feet" "Oh my, what could possibly be the good news?" says the man. "The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!"

I’m a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here’s the story: Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times. The patient goes home, etc. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange." At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says "and then I eat the orange."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed. "Breastfed", she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist." The doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know", she said, "I am his Grandma."

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.” The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.” The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?” The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now." The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the Eye/Ear doctor." "There is no such doctor " she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?" "No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says. "But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor." He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor." They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?" "Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech back in his home town. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he passed a gigantic fart and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. After he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown until decades later. His return those many years later was to visit his ailing, elderly mother. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away." "Why haven't you visited?" asked the clerk. "I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experiences, one thing I've learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I hope that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO" 1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines. 2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure". 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,". 4. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape. 5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 6. Exam room has a tip jar. 7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in. 8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?" 9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers. 10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning," 11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip. 12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep. 14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket. 15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs. 16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana. 17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park," 18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube. 19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day." 20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine. 21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams. 23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy." 24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you. 25. Recycled bandages. 26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry. 27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month. 28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK 29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an over-sized 2-sided copier. 30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5. I left immediately! Why? I have to have better odds than that.

Patient (to Doctor), "I forget things easily. What should I do?" Doctor, "I think first of all you should pay my bill".

"Doctor my husband is doing weird things lately", a lady complains to her psychiatrist , "I strongly feel something wrong with him". "What is he doing, Mrs.Bankman, that looks weird to you?", asks her the doctor. "We'll he drinks his cup of tea in the morning and eats the cup leaving the cup's handle out". The doctor looks startled and after the initial confusion he goes, " It is weird, he leaves the best part out"

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts!

A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds. When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the lady.

I went to the Doctor and told him I must have a sleep disorder. He ask whys that? I said well I go to sleep at 10pm and wake at 6am. Doc said well that's great what's wrong with that? I said well my heads on the pillow when I go to sleep but when I wake my feet are on the pillows. He thought for awhile then replied... Set your alarm for 2am that way neither will be on the pillows.

Hey Doc this job interview has my nerves all out of shape, what should I do? Doc -- well do as I do and have a lot of patients.

Who says commercials are not educational ? My 3 year old just informed me that the medication I'm on might cause dry mouth, dizziness, loss of sight --- and so on. Needless to say I called my Doctor immediately, he said his 3 year old saw the same commercial.

Jim Visits the Family Doctor Doc - Ha! Hey Jim what's up this time. Jim - This time it's a severe situation doc! Doc - mm Keep Saying Jim... Jim - Doc I've been that notorious clown since ever, but today I just found a site that pays for a good rated Joke and ever since then !!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Joking nerves trifle Me !!!!!! Doc - Hahahahahahahahahahaha !!! ** Cracking Jim - Okay! It's working now, Thanks Doc ;) * Updates the Post ;) :D :P

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

A man asked a doctor, "Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the surgery?". Doctor: "Sure, why not?" Man: "Good, I couldn't play one before."

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!"

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!" The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation." When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!".

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor replied, "I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur. Be careful."

A young blonde goes to the doctor and says I hurt all over. The doctor says point to where you hurt. She points to her elbow and says "OW!" Then points to her head and says "OW" and then finally points to her leg and says "OW!" The doctor says I have it figured out you have a broken finger.

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I'm scared of Santa!" Doctor: "Your suffering from Claus-trophobia."

Preventive Medicine Belief: Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils have to come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.