Jokes

I have a friend, a medical examiner, who has an odd way of conducting postmortem procedures. He keeps flipping the subject over, then back, then over again repeatedly. He calls it "autopsy-turvy".

A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive," smiled the ex-patient. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "I was told you'd died by a colleague who's had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion's bound to be much more reliable than yours."

Why did the EMT's travel in sets of two? They wanted to be a pair-of-medics.

A guy goes to the doctor. Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places." Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will soon have a nervous breakdown: 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him something especially nice. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. 7. And most importantly, keep him far away from your mother." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. She replied, "He said you'll soon have a nervous breakdown."

Sadly, Dr. Moan fell into a well and broke his collarbone. Dr. Moan should tend to the sick, and leave the well alone.

A little boy goes to the doctor and tells him, "I'm smart Doc!" The doctor says, "Really?" He then points to the boys foot and says, "What's that?" "That's my foot." "Very good," says the Doc. "What's that?" he asks, pointing to the boys knee. "That's my knee." "Excellent." "Now, what's that?" he asks, pointing to the boys elbow. "My elbow." "Wow. How do you know all this stuff?" " Kidneys Doc, kidneys," the boy says touching his head.

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might not be able to paint anymore, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so thankful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to showcase her works of art in the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'"

A woman with a baby walked into a doctor's office. She asked if they could weigh the baby. A nurse said that the baby scale was not working that day, but what they could do is weigh the mother while she was holding the baby, and then weigh the mother by herself, and subtract. The woman thought about this for a minute. "It wouldn't work," she said, "I'm not the mother; I'm the aunt."

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The psychiatrist informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. He asks the first patient, "How much is two plus two?" "Blue." At which point the doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks, "What is six minus three?" To which the patient replies, "Square." Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five? The patient answers very confidently, "Ten." The doctor, amazed, then inquires, "Very good. How did you figure it out?" The patient reply, "Easy. Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

A lady is at a job interview for a receptionist position. "I see you used to be employed by a psychologist. Why did you leave?" "Well, I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I was anxious. And if I was on time, I was obsessional."

A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back, her husband asked her, "So, how did it go?" "Fine," she replied, "but I've never seen so many Freudians slip."

I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged. “So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked. “I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”

When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician. “Has your address changed?” she asked. “No,” I answered. “Your phone number?” “No.” “What about your birthday?”

Mary hated the idea of surgery. So she was very upset when the doctor informed her that she needed a tonsillectomy. Mary after much deliberation, decided to go ahead and have the procedure. While she and the nurse were filling out an admission form, she was so nervous she couldn't think straight or hardly speak. The nurse, being a compassionate sort, patted her hand and said, "Don't worry. This is a simple medical procedure, and a problem that can easily be fixed." "I am sure you are right. I'm being silly," Mary said, "Please continue." "Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated 'right' as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

My doctor says she's been practicing medicine for ten years... I asked her to call me when she's done practicing and gets serious.

Patient 1: "Why did you run away from the operation table?" Patient 2: "The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that." Patient 1: "So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?" Patient 2: "She was talking to the surgeon!"

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. “I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to... 14 pounds???”

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?" She shook her head. "Oh, I don’t know. I’m not good with math."

What's the difference between a carpenter and an orthopaedic surgeon? A carpenter knows more than one antibiotic!

Which member of the surgical team falls asleep during an operation? The Anaesthetist of course.

Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium. It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary. And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

I know someone who had her face lifted so many times, the doctor ran out of skin, so he took some skin off her right thumb and grafted it onto her nose. Now, every time she goes hitchhiking, her nose shoves to the right.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

Patient: Doctor, whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right.' Doctor: Then wait for half an hour before getting up.

My elderly mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too!”

Dr. Stitchem was trying very hard to convince Percy that he should give up drinking. "Ever notice a cactus plant?" he asked Percy. "If you pour water around its roots it thrives, turns greener, and grows bigger. Take the same cactus plant. Pour vile liquor on it and what happens? It shrivels, it shrinks, it dies. Doesn't this teach you anything?" "Yes," said Percy. "If you want a cactus growing in your stomach drink water."

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again"? "I am 78," the man said. "78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

An elderly lady and an orthopedic surgeon were travelling in an elevator together. The doors started to shut as the lady was trying to get out of the doors. The surgeon kindly put his head in between the doors so the lady could get out. "Thank you very much," said the lady, "but why did you use your head?" "I used my head because I need my hands for work," said the surgeon, grinning proudly.