Jokes

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! There go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys - and this guy's got two of'em. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Uh Oh! Page 47 is missing!

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, the doctor nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, "How often do I take these?" "Let's start off with one every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like every time I go to see the doctor, all I hear coming out of his mouth is a DIE-agnosis?

As part of the admission procedure in a hospital, a nurse will ask the patient if they are allergic to anything. If they are, the nurse prints it on an allergy band that goes on the patient's wrist. Once when the nurse asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, the woman said she couldn't eat bananas. Several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'Bananas'?"

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork when it came time for his first check up with his new doctor. The doctor kept glancing at Brian as he reviewed the medical paperwork. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.” One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, “Great, we have to sit through another organ recital.”

Dewey dragged himself into his doctor's office one day looking very exhausted. "Doctor," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!" "I have good news for you, Dewey," the doctor said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over." "Great," said Dewey, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." The doctor gave him the pills. Dewey thanked him and left. Two weeks later, Dewey came back to the doctor's office looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than ever!" Dewey exclaimed. "I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered Dewey wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's really hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

"Doctor Feldman! You better get into room 313 fast, the patient is acting bizarre!" "I'm on my way!" Entering the room the doctor sees the patient furiously tying and twisting pieces of rope together, drawn tight into a knobby mass. He seemed totally out of control. "What are you doing? Stop that!" the doctor yells. The patient completely ignores the doc and continues to loop and interlace the sections of rope in an intense, violent manner. "Again, I beg you. Stop what you're doing. You're behaving in a mentally deranged way!" To which the patient replies, "Say what you will doc, but I'M KNOT CRAZY!"

Doctor: Your Liver is enlarged. Patient: Does that mean it has space for more whisky?

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight." Doctor: "How come?" Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

Client: "No one ever agrees with me!" Psychiatrist: "You don’t seem like the disagreeable type!" Client (raising one eyebrow): “I digress.”

An anesthesiologist has a stock answer to the usual question asked by pre-surgical patients: “How much will the anesthesia cost?” “Oh, about $100.00. $1.00 to go to sleep and $99.00 for waking up. Most patients buy the whole package.”

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Patient: Doctor, I think I'm suffering from lack of memory. Doctor: How long have you had this problem? Patient: What problem is that?

Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and unhappy. Doctor: You should cut down on your drinking. Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life. Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking. Patient: I don't smoke either doctor. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Good heavens! I haven't had a girlfriend in my entire life. Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, find a girlfriend or two, and then you will be alright.

I have a good handwriting... therefore, people don't believe I am a real doctor.

I asked my psychiatrist why is it every time I eat sardines, I dream about being attacked by sharks. He answered, “It’s all about guilt and self payback.” Considering how much money it cost for one hour of his time, he must dream about his watch turning all green and wrinkled.

My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia. That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.

People who think that time heals everything have obviously never tried waiting it out in a doctor's waiting room!

Patient: "Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me." Doctor: "What do you mean by that?"

What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say, 'I hate my mother', a psychiatrist will ask, "Why do you say that?" Whereas a psychologist will say, "Thank you for sharing that with us."

A zombie goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a horrible rash!" The doctor says, "Son, I'm sorry but that's not a rash, that's called your face."

A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do? The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The pediatricians said, "grow up." The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it. The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And the plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."

Did you hear about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches? He went to the 'good witch doctor' who couldn't figure out what was wrong. He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home. The next day the cannibal came back to the witch doctor and complained of cramps and pains. The witch doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not figure out what was wrong. As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had eaten anything strange. The cannibal replied "No." "Well, what are you eating?" the witch doctor asked. "The usual," replied the cannibal, "You know just a couple of those Missionaries every now and then." "Missionaries?" replied the witch doctor. "Just how do you cook them?" he asked. "The normal way" answered the cannibal as he described the technique. "I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables" he further related. Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor so he pressed a little further. "So, describe these missionaries to me?" he asked. "Well," replied the cannibal, "you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot on top of their head." "THAT'S IT!" exclaimed the witch doctor, "That's your problem! Those are friars... not boilers!!!"

Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you? Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I'd rather have the cough.

A man goes to a doctor. He says he is depressed. He says life seems harsh and cruel. He says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. The doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Terrifini is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts into tears,"But doctor... I am Terrifini!"

An engineer and a psychiatrist meet up for their 20th college reunion. The engineer says, "I'm surprised to see you still looking so young. I'd have thought listening to people's problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles." The psychiatrist says, "You think we listen?"