Jokes

I went to my Doctor and he suggested I do some exercises. Here is my new regiment... 1. Jump to conclusions 2. Climb the walls 3. Drag my heels 4. Push my luck 5. Make mountains out of molehills 6. Bend over backwards 7. Run in circles 8. Put my foot in my mouth

My therapist thinks I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We will see about that!

What do you call a clumsy ophthalmologist? An Eye Dropper

I went to the Doctor for my annual check up. He told me that I have insomnia. But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

I was getting ready for a doctor's appointment and remembered how my mother once told me, "An apple a day, keeps the doctor away." Taking her words to heart I decided to bring an apple. Needless to say, it was shot day, I didn't like needles and was thinking, "There must be some way out of this?" So without thinking, I threw my apple at the doctor. He hasn't spoken to me since.

My doctor said he's been practicing medicine for 30 years... What I want to know is when will he start doing it for real?

Patient: Doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this water. Patient: Will this make me feel better? Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see leaks and know where the vampire bit you.

A woman goes to the Doctor and tells him she feels like a deck of cards. The Doctor says to the woman, "Please sit down and I'll deal with you later."

A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!” Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”

Whoever said "Laughter is the best medicine", obviously didn't see my last doctor's bill!

Doctor: Your case is quite complicated. Patient: Why doctor? What happened? Doctor: You got a disease from the chapter which I left as optional during my studies.

Doctor: "I have your MRI results." Patient: "Is my brain functioning normal?" Doctor: "No. Half your brain is clogged with usernames and the other half is clogged with passwords.

This guy ate a light bulb and had to be taken to the doctor. The doctor said, "You're not a very bright guy!"

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next!

A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other physicians, and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.” The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy. Then we will see who was right."

Accountant: "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." Doctor: "Have you tried counting sheep?" Accountant: "Yes, and that's the problem! I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"

My doctor told me to "exercise"... I thought he said to "eat more fries"...

"Doctor, the problem is obesity runs in our family." "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."

One day three doctors went to a convention together, on the way back, they noticed the car was slowing down. They got out and looked at the tires. The first doctor said "I think its flat." The second felt it and said "It feels flat." The third stares at it and says "It looks flat." All of them, without taking their eyes off the wheel, shook their heads and said in unison, "We better run some tests."

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. She called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering". "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and then payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

A well-known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: One screw..................................... $ 1 Knowing how to put it in............. $4999 Total = $5000 The businessman never argued.

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor checks him out thoroughly doing various tests. He then goes back to his table and sits down. "I'm prescribing these pills for you," he says. Noting the weird name of the prescription, the man asks, "What am I taking now?" "Oh, I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

A man went to his doctor to go over his blood work results. As soon as he entered the doctor's office, the doctor said to him, "I just looked at your results. You are lucky that you come to see me early enough..." The man became very nervous and asked, "What's wrong with my blood work?" "Oh nothing! Just that I'll be leaving my office early today," replied the doctor.

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries. “He says you’re gonna die.”

The Seven stages of man... Spills, Drills, Shrills, Bills, Ills, Pills, and Wills.

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.” “Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?” “No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain '80s bands... There is no Cure.

Patient to psychiatrist: "I have this fear of being in tight, enclosed places." Psychiatrist: "That's a very common disorder. Lots of people have the same problem." Patient: "It's a little bit more complicated than that. I have an abnormal fear of being in an elevator with a bunch of department store Santa's." Psychiatrist: "Take a couple of these pills and call me in the morning. You have an acute case of CLAUStrophopia."

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!