Jokes

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several of the nurses wore apple shaped pins. I asked one of the nurses what was the significance of the pins. She said, "Oh, these are to keep the doctors away..."

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?" "After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly." "I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

Node: Was aware of (past tense of Know) Outpatient: Fainted Pap smear: Fatherhood test Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis Prostate: Flat on your back Protein: Favoring young people Rectum: Dang near killed 'em Seizure: Roman Emperor Serology: Study of Knighthood Tumor: An extra pair Urine: Opposite of "you're out" Varicose: Located near by

A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. “Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease there’s no discomfort of any kind.” “Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly.”

USEFUL MEDICAL TERMS Artery Study of Paintings Bacteria Back door to cafeteria Barium What to do when treatment fails Bowels Letters like A, E, I, O, U Cat scan Searching for kitty Colic Sheep dog Coma Punctuation mark D & C Where Washington is Enema Not a friend Hangnail Coat hook Impotent Distinguished; well known

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?" The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

A man goes into a dentist's office. Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on."

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.” “When did these start?” “Next Thursday.”

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital? The hip consultant.

A young girl of 4 was told she needed an X-ray after an accident. Her mother tried to calm her down, but she was still nervous when the time came for the X-Ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, however, she seemed relaxed and just fine. "They took a picture of my bones," she told her mother. "Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?" "Yeah," said the girl. "It was great! I didn't even have to take my skin off, or anything!"

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly. "No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light-bulb?" "That's an interesting question... how many do YOU think? And why are you asking?"

Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patients sew up his own incisions? It's called Suture Yourself.

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left. The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were thus: "Your fly is undone."

Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?" Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer... "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'" "If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'" "If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'. That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"

How is an optometrist like a good teacher? They both make pupils grow!

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about saying things that don't come out the way we meant them to?" The psychiatrist replies, "You mean Freudian slips?" "Exactly, those. Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my husband, and I meant to say, 'Honey, could you please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You damn fool, you ruined my life.'"

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation: Doctor: "Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water." Woman: "Okay." Doctor: "Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water." Woman: "Okay." Doctor: "Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water." After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me, doctor?" Doctor: "Yeah. You don't drink enough water."

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying: "Dr Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back."

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator!" "I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass." "But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can." The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000." His friend asks, "What kind is it?" He says, "Half past four!"

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror. "What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry. "Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."

A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "$150 dollars, ma'am," he answered. "Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when there is no one here to overcharge?" "Raise porcupines, ma'am."

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But... you can only stay for three days. After that, you got to go!"

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it! I can never remember that word."

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh and relaxed. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"