Jokes

"Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a bone." "Are you choking?" "No, I really did!"

"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me?" He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."

"Doctor, doctor, you have to help me out!" "Certainly, not a problem. Which way did you come in?"

"Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to brake fluid!" "That is nonsense," begins the doctor, "You can stop anytime."

Patient: "Doctor, can you tell me what are your fees?" Doctor: "For the 1st visit I charge $2000 and the 2nd visit is free." [The patient then decided to lie.] Patient: "Doctor, this is my second visit." Doctor: "In that case, please continue taking the medicines that I had prescribed on your first visit."

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?" she asked. "No, the regular kind."

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a racehorse. Doctor: Take one of these pills every 4 laps.

Me: Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! Doctor: Well tell her to come in. Me: I cant! She doesn't stop at this floor.

A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see his doctor for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

My Doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress... To comply, I did not open his bill.

Great news, Mr. Bradley," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again." "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied. "And just to prove it, I want you to stop by the mall on the way home and walk the length of the stores. You'll see that you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever." "Oh, Doctor, what can I do to thank you?" "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new TV."

Today's session of The CONGRESS OF HYPOCHONDRIA has been cancelled... Due to illness.

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day. "Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?" "Sure," the doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands."

Doctor: "You need new glasses." Patient: "How do you know? I haven't told you what's wrong with me yet." Doctor: "I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window."

One day at a local clinic, the doctor is outraged to see that he has no patients to examine. So he called his assistant to ask what happened. His assistant replied, "I asked the patients if they are feeling okay, and they said 'no', so I told them to go home and get plenty of rest!"

Doctor: "Ms. Markus, I want you to go to the lab for a blood workup. You don't have to fast." Ms. Markus: "Fast? Doctor I'm seventy-nine, how fast can I go? I can barely walk!"

"Doctor, I think I'm a moth." "It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist." "I was on my way there when I saw your light on."

What does an Orthopedic Surgeon like for breakfast? Rice Krispies... because they go SNAP, CRACKLE, & POP!

The heart specialist was operating on the patient when he suddenly said, “Don’t worry, Adam. This is a minor operation. Everything will be all right.” The patient replied, “Thank you Doctor, but my name is Jose.” The heart specialist said, “I know that. Adam is my name.”

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" "Gave me a longer cane."

"Doctor Doctor, I feel like a tennis racket." "You must be too highly strung."

"Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat." "Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn't end there."

What do you call an Egyptian back specialist? A Cairo-practor!

Patient: "Doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation." Doctor: "Don't worry. Mine too."

I went to the doctor the other day. She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald's. My wife wanted to know why I went there. I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries. She made me an appointment with a hearing doctor.

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Patient to his doctor: "I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?" Doctor: "Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. On that note, I'd like to remind you about the $800 that you owe me."

Robert to Doctor: “Doctor, I have a serious problem. I dream of football matches every night." Doctor: "Don’t worry. I will cure it right now. Take this pill and you will be alright.” Robert: "Doctor, would it be okay to wait and take the pill tomorrow?” Doctor: “Why?” Robert: “Doc, today is the final match. I have to see the season through and know which team is going to win it all!”

The surgeon approached his patient, just as he woke up from having surgery. “I'm afraid we 're going to have to operate on you again. You see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” The patient replied, “Tell you what Doc, if it’s just because of that, just leave them inside. I'd rather pay for them than have you go back in.”

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?" Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc." Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order." Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."