Jokes

“Doc, Doc!” the man yelled. “I’ve got cucumbers growing out of my ears!” “My goodness!” exclaimed the doctor. “How did that happen?” “Sure beats me. I planted carrots.”

A man visits his doctor and complains that he feels like he has 5 legs. The doctor asks him how do his pants fit? The man replies, "Like a glove!"

Woman: Doctor, please come quickly! My little boy has just swallowed my fountain pen! Doctor: Of course, I’ll be right there. What are you doing in the meantime? Woman: Using a pencil.

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist. "Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind." The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What’s the Cure? Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

At a psychiatrist’s office: Vroom! Vroom! Doctor, I think I am a car. Vroom! Vroom! Psychiatrist: Could you please do that again? Vroom! Vroom! Psychiatrist: Your carburetor could use an overhaul. It is clogged.

One doctor ask another if, "Are you any good at palmistry?" "Well, not exactly. However, the other night I did look at a lady's hand, and one glance told me she was going to be lucky," he replied. "Why how's that?" the first doctor ask. The reply: "Well it had four aces in it."

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!" The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered. The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled. "Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled. I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say 'Ah"...."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong. He told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with my left hand.”

A newcomer to the neighborhood consulted one of the established residents in regard to a doctor. "My little daughter," she explained, "has swallowed a gold piece and has got to be operated on. I wonder if Dr. Robertson is to be trusted? "Without a doubt," her neighbor assured her, "he's absolutely honest."

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, I know first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband. “What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked. “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse. “Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.” A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”

Doctor: "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?" Patient: “Good new please!” Doctor: “Well, we’re naming a disease after you...”

1st man: "I think my Doctor has a vowel problem." 2nd man: "Don't you mean bowel problem?" 1st man: "No, it's the vowels. He changed the spelling of the Hippocratic Oath to Hippocritic and not only that, every time I visit his office I have to sign an IOU before He will see me."

A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia. Doc: "Have you tried counting sheep?" Boxer: "Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up."

"What would be the first thing you'd do if you had hydrophobia?" one resident doctor ask another. "I'd ask for a pencil and paper," replied the other doctor. "To make your last will?" "No, to make a list of the people I want to bite."

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news." Dan said, "Give me the good news first." "They're going to name a disease after you."

"How is your Aunt Bobbie?" asked a family friend. "She had her appendix taken out the other day," I informed her. "Did they give her anything for it?" "No," I answered, "it wasn't worth anything."

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked. “Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”

"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard saying... "My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a deep depression."

A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached. Girl: Help, are you a doctor? Man: I am a doctor. What’s going on? Girl: A Heart Attack! Man: I am doctor in mathematics. Girl: He is going to die. Man: Prove it!

A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?” “Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.”

I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”

A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress. ”You call this progress?” snapped the patient. ”Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m a nobody!”

There was a pretty Nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend. "Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents?" "Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits!"

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office and the staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the skeleton in my passenger seat and belted it in so it wouldn't fall over... not even thinking about the drive across town. At a stoplight, I could not help but notice a ton of people staring at my car. I rolled down the window and shouted, "I am taking him to the Doctor's office!" A man standing on the corner shouted, "I hate to tell you Ma'am, but I think it's too late!"

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike! Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.