Jokes

What happened when they crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? The bird not only delivered the mail, but also knocked on the door.

Son: Dad, why aren’t elephants allowed on the beach? Dad: Because they won’t keep their trunks up!

When the train stopped at the little Southern station in Arkansas, the tourist from the north sauntered out and gazed curiously at a lean animal with scraggy bristles that was rubbing itself against a scrub-oak. "What do you call that animal," he ask curiously of a native. "Razorback hawg," replied the native. "What's he doing rubbing himself against that tree?" "He's stropping himself, such. Just stropping himself."

A man was walking through the grounds of a university one morning when he noticed a young blind woman struggling with her Guide-Dog. The animal was resolutely pulling in one direction, she in another. When he offered assistance, the woman replied, "No thanks, this is a family argument. The dog knows I'm supposed to go to a lecture right now -- but I want to miss it."

Lou: A woman fell overboard from a ship. A shark came up, looked over her and swam away. Bud: Why did the shark do that? Lou: Because it was a man eating shark.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and out number them?"

I trained my dog to fetch me beer... It may not sound too impressive, but he gets them from the neighbors fridge!

Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes? Pretty Much anywhere depending on how fast the wind is blowing

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

"Yes, once i came face to face with a lion, and to make matters worse, I was alone and weapon less." "Goodness! What did you do?" "What could I do? First I tried looking straight into his eyes, but he kept crawling up on me. Then I thought of plunging my arm down his throat, grabbing him by the tail and turning him inside out, but I decided it would be too dangerous. Yet he continued creeping up on me. I had to think fast...." "How did you get away?" "I just left him and passed on to the next cage."

Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?" Native: "Nope, we just let them go barefoot."

First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained. Second Mouse: How so? First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.

Lou: Did you hear about the turtle on the New Jersey Turnpike? Bud: What was the turtle doing on the turnpike? Lou: About one mile an hour.

A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season. They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week. He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human like gorilla. After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stacks. He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls. Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!" With this the lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"

An elderly woman walks into the butcher shop and shouts at the butcher, "That leg of lamb you sold me last week shrunk by six inches when I cooked it!" "That's funny," said the butcher, "my wife knitted me a jumper, and when I washed it, it shrunk by six inches." "Must have been from the same sheep."

A couple from the east decided to vacation out west and visited a dude ranch. During the stay the tenderfoot felt that he had observed the horse riders and would be able to ride one himself. He mounted the horse and a moment later painfully picked himself out of the dust in one corner of the corral. "Man, oh man," he said. "She sure bucked something fierce!" "Bucked," said a nearby cowpoke, "Rats, she just coughed."

A man bought a mousetrap. When he brought it home, he discovered that he had no cheese to bait it with. So he found a picture of some cheese and put the picture in the trap. The next morning he went to the trap to see if it had caught anything. The picture of the cheese was gone. In its place was a picture of a mouse.

A cowboy was leading a flock of sheep down Main Street when he was ordered to stop by the town policeman. “What’s wrong?” the cowboy asked. “I was just heading my ewes into a side street.” “That’s the trouble,” the policeman replied. “No ewe turns permitted on Main Street!”

A fisherman carrying a lobster bumped into a friend on the way home. “Where are you going with the lobster under your arm?” asked his friend. The fisherman answered, “I’m taking him home to dinner.” Just then the lobster spoke up, “I’ve already had my dinner, can we go to a movie instead?”

A dog was so clever that his owner sent him to college. Home for vacation, the dog admitted he had learned neither history nor science, but added proudly, “I did make a good start in foreign languages.” “Okay,” replied the owner, “say something in a foreign language.” The dog said, “Meow!”

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat. "A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?" The cat replies, "Um, I guess I'm a gnome."

A cheetah and a lion are racing... The cheetah wins... The lion says, "You a cheetah!" The cheetah replies, "Nah, you a lion!"

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? The slow swimmer.

A woman was visiting the zoo when she passed two workmen that were crying. "Why are you guys crying?" she asked. One replied, "One of the elephants just died." "The big elephant must have been your favorite animal in the zoo?" she asked. "No, Ma'am-- love has nothing to do with it. The boss told us we have to dig the grave."

The zoo keeper found a new employee standing uneasy next to the lion's cage. Zoo keeper: "Didn't I tell you that when the lion is wagging his tail, he was friendly?" Employee: "He was wagging his tail and roaring at the same time." Zoo keeper: "So, what's that got to do with it?" Employee: "Well, I don't know which end to trust."

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler. At every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey, but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

Two men were at a race track discussing fast horses when one said he had a horse that was faster than an automobile. "Faster than any automobile? Who was he sired by? You know his fathers name?" "Why, he is so fast he ran away before he could find out his fathers name!"

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To never tell a human that The world is really ruled by cats!

It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000