Jokes

Q: Who is the most hated girl in the COMPAQ IT department? A: A-dell-e

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine. 4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats. 6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads. 7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light. 8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off. 10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine.

While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” Bill stood there dumbfounded. Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied the man. Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego.

You know it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with your computer when…. You wake up at 3 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and you stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape. Your family always knows where you are.

First friend: "I am getting so tired of having to wade through so much Spam e-mail. Every time I sign on to get my e-mail I have to discard 20 Spam messages." Second friend: "I used to be in exactly the same situation: 20 Spam messages every time I signed on. But I solved that. Now I only get ONE every time I sign on." First friend: "That's terrific. How did you do that?" Second friend: "I sign on 20 times more."

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it. “At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

As Computer Tech I sometimes help clients over the phone. Here is a recent phone dialogue I had with one of my customers. Tech: Workshops can I help. Customer: My dog is not barking, how can I make it bark. Tech: I am sorry mam but this is not SPCA Customer: I know that but how can I make the dog on my computer bark. Tech: Do you mean a dog in a computer game or something? Customer: I mean a small dog that comes on when I type in Microsoft Word. Tech: Are your speakers on? Customer: No Tech: Turn on your speakers and you will hear your dog barking when it barks Customer: Ooooh why didn’t I figure that, thanks so much

A man calls technical support for his computer. (M = Man) (T = Technical support) M: Ok, the screen is blue and it says windows has been shut down because an error has been detected. T: All right, press ctrl alt delete. M: Now what? T: Does it say press any key to continue? M: Yeah, why? T: Well, lets see, hmm.....PRESS IT!!!! M: Wait let me find it first. T: Just Press Any Key!!! M: I'M TRYING TO FIND IT...! T: When it says any key it means to press ANY key... M: Oh wait. I found it he he... T: What does it say now? M: Sorry the 'Any' key you have pressed does not exist, please click any key. T: Well, what are you waiting for? M: I'm still looking for it. T: I though you found it? M: Yeah I did but the 'any' it was spelt 'enee' now its spelt 'any' T: ..."

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. That's a hardware issue.

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains. She says to the clerk, "I would like curtains the size of my computer screen. The clerk says, "Why the size of you computer screen?" The woman replies, "Because I've got windows!"

The best part about computers is that they make very fast, specific mistakes.

A software expert claims: “My software never has bugs -- it just develops random features.”

Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

Q: What is a programmer? A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way You do not understand.

Mr. R.B. Jones applied for a position with the government and was accepted. On his first day the personnel dept processed his records. When asked what the R.B. stood for he informed the clerk that they stood for nothing. His parents had named him with the initials only. The clerk informed him that his records could not show initials only so they typed his name as R. (only) B. (only) Jones. He got his first paycheck made out to Ronly Bonly Jones!

The businessperson told a nervous client to think of the computer match up service simply as “dater-processing”

Computer Problem Report Form 1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________ 15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________________________________ 16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________ 17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in. __________________________________________ 18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 19. How does this problem make you feel? __________________________________________ 20. Tell me about your childhood. __________________________________________ 21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__ 22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE? Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first? Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am? Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running? Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am? Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am? Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal? Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message? Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed? Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades. Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do? Customer Service Rep: What does the message say? Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean? Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others. Customer: So what should I do? Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"? Customer: Yes, I have it. Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this. Customer: Thank you. Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back. Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART! Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go... Customer: Yes? Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you. Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

Q. Why did the spider cross the computer keyboard? A. To get on the World Wide Web.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine," Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

The owner of a small computer store was getting tired of fixing the exact same problem over and over on computers for people...one day 3 customers came in at the same time. He looked at them all and said. Everyone one of your computers gave me this error message "Error you have a syntax IDtenT error.and asked them to right it down. All of them got out their pens and wrote IDtenT error, he smiled then told them. No that's not how you write it is the number "10". So they all wrote it again...ID10T error

Q: An electric train is travaling South and the wind is blowing East. Which way is the smoke blowing? A: There is no smoke it's an electric train.

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'. Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens? Customer: 'Tried but nothing” Tech Support: “What key did you hit? After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when.... 1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. 5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. 6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. 8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. 9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. 10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape. 11. Your family always knows where you are. 12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL". 13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

The Yankees have a monopoly game. The Mets have a monopoly game. Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

"My computer isn`t that nervous...it`s just a bit ANSI. Terminal glare: A look that kills... Life would be much easier if I had the source code Computers are only human. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. "